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NYU Concludes Talks To Purchase Literally All Of Manhattan

Despite already having campuses in both lower Manhattan and gentrified Brooklyn, NYU is looking to continue expansion. President Andy Hamilton and his top notch administration recently announced a revolutionary new deal with Mayor Bill de Blasio. Starting next year, NYU will subsume all of Manhattan.

“It’s been a long time coming,” Hamilton said during the press announcement,” but we feel it is time to take this next step. Now, 14th Street and Houston do not hold us back. We will hoist the violet flag from the Cloisters to Battery Park, from river to not-so-shining river. Our destiny at NYU is manifest, and this historic deal takes us one step closer.”

Despite being given only a year to transition, the administration is confident that they, for the first time in a while, will not fuck this up.

“NYU has a rocky history of taking money from the authoritarian Chinese government and building Abu Dhabi with contemporary slave labor, but I am feeling good with this one,” said Steinhardt freshman, Angel Ricky. “Like think of the possibilities: Time’s Square is just themed housing, the MTA can unite to create NYUTransit, and we can dorm in Washington Heights? What could possibly go wrong here?”

During the transition, de Blasio and his staff will move their offices to Court Street in Brooklyn; all stores will be required to accept Dining Dollars and meal swipes; and all Manhattan residents will, instead of paying rent, begin paying $70,000 a year. President Hamilton has not yet clarified if Financial Aid will be available for these new on-campus residents.

Most importantly, President Hamilton assured The Black Sheep that no gentrification of any sort will occur.

“The East Village was not our fault. Thousands of our students live there, sure, but that wasn’t our fault. We want to retain Manhattan’s diversity. We will try with as much apathy as possible to make it clear that we kind of care.”

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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