In what will likely be remembered as the one good thing the Trump Administration did, the Department of Education announced that beginning next year NYU will consider the popular dog walking app Wag! as federal work study, giving students a legitimate source of income for their bottomless brunch options.
The move is the latest effort to address increasing concerns about the rising costs of college tuition across the country. All across campus, flannel-wearing white girls (especially those decked out in Greek lettering) revel in the opportunity to take Instagram stories weighted with aesthetic with these cute canines in one hand, and the latest trendy latte in the other.
“Oh. My. Gawd [sic],” texted Gallatin sophomore Amy Rambling, who was too busy walking the most adorable corgi to meet for comment. “I am living my life to the fullest right now. I get to use the government’s money to snap these good bois [sic]? Screw interning!”
“Honestly, dude, I just do this to pick up cute girls in Tompkin Square Park,” said Stern junior Wayne Hammond. “Ya know, working in schools and helping out in the running of the university is great and all, but… AST girls. Besides, I am totally contributing to the local economy when I get paid for this. I will probably buy some beer and throw an absolute banger. I love economics.”
The Black Sheep reached out to both President Andy Hamilton’s office and Wag!
President Hamilton, who was on a shift for the app, said “N-Y-U is a prestigious and groundbreaking institution. We believe that every student should have every opportunity made available to them. We launched a university-wide study and poll, asking students how we can make their schooling more affordable. Students wanted lower tuition, so we gave them that, except think of ‘lower tuition’ as ‘new work study option.’”
Because of this radical move, the park is alight with neon green Wag! shirts as students proudly swear allegiance to their new source of boozy brunch money. Despite the rising cost of tuition, at least students get to take videos of dogs that are not their own, and that is priceless.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.