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Petition Calls for New NYU Intramural Sport: Mind Stretching

A currently circling petition demands the introduction of a new NYU intramural sport; mind stretching. This hallowed sport has been hailed as the way to bring community to NYU through the kind of activities NYU students are well-versed in.

Walter Bloush, a Tisch student and self-proclaimed “devil’s lettuce aficionado”, is vehement that mind stretching must come to NYU. “As an artiste, daddy’s boy and sex-haver, I have explored all the possible facets of the human experience by the age of 19. Therefore, the only option left me to truly expand and stretch my mind is through drugs like shrooms and acid.” 

Bloush went on to explain how the sport works, “So, we take the drugs and describe to the judges or referees or whatever, and tell them about what we see so that we can even help other’s expand their minds alongside us. Then at the end, we all get trophies for participation!”

Bloush is just one of thousands of NYU students actively advocating for the sport, but it’s not just art students who want mind stretching in their lives. Intellectuals and debaters alike flocked to the petition, which is more exercise than they’ve likely done for a while.

Wendell Toddman, a described asshole, gave his thoughts on mind-stretching. “Mind stretching is a combination of trivia and debate mobile experience, touching on topics of ethics, faith and science. All I’m saying is that if you ever want to be the intellectual part of the meme, you better have done some minimum level 3 mind stretching, or the philosophy blogs are gonna rip you a new asshole.”

There are a few naysayers speaking out against the sport. Athletic head of NYU, Wilhelmina Williamson, had this to say about the proposed addition. “Mind stretching? I mean, it’s fine. It’s just not a sport. If you want to do light stretching, that’s fine. But unless you turn into Simone Biles and do some crazy gymnastics shit after, it won’t be an intramural sport. Especially not at NYU; we hold athleticism in far too high esteem. Our football team, if we had a football team, would be world-renowned. And I think that’s reflected within our strong school sports-based community.”

The Black Sheep is still unsure exactly what mind stretching is. However, we know one thing: we are into it.

 

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