In last-ditch efforts to make everyone forget the student loans they’ve acquired during their past four years of matriculation, NYU hosts one doozy of a commencement ceremony at the Yankee Stadium. Like the school itself, the commencement is all fun and games until you’re actually there. Then, you realize they’re being totally skimpy with only three guest tickets per graduate. Tensions are high this year as students scramble to find tickets to both their individual school commencements and the Yankee Stadium.
Yet, many discover that it’s the most profitable time of the year for people with no family or friends.
Sean Legume, a senior who’s never been the annoying roommate that has too many guests over, was recently banned from the commencement ceremony after he was found running an underground black market for graduation tickets. NYU security received an anonymous tip about “more annoying NYU Facebook group notifications than usual.” They easily tracked Legume to his rendezvous point, literally underground at the 8th St. NYU subway stop.
“My parents weren’t willing to travel here all the way from New Jersey. And my younger friends said they already had plans.” Legume sighed as he was written up. “I guess they’re really busy if they schedule things a month in advance.”
Elijah Stone, Legume’s second-in-command, also had parents that refused to attend his milestone event.
“My mom said the Bronx wasn’t safe, so she didn’t want to risk driving up there. But she told me it’s fine if I go. One less mouth to feed if I don’t come back,” he shrugged. The officers checked his bag for stray tickets, but all they found was an alarming amount of free swag from the senior events Stone had attended.
The two seniors were banned from graduation, which isn’t a huge loss considering there are now two more available seats. However, many desperate students were relying on them for the hookup. CAS student Liv Spencer still needs ten more tickets for her extended family, first grade teacher, pastor, and ex-boyfriend.
“I’ve joined every single NYU Facebook group looking for tickets,” she said as she urgently refreshed her browser. “I’m always online so I can be the first to claim tickets if someone offers. My eyes have dried out, but I don’t have time to buy eye drops. I haven’t slept in three days. My second cousin needs to be there.”
After two hours of questioning, security released the offenders. Officer Kate Manchett said it was one of the easiest cases she’s worked on.
“The ticket information clearly states that resale isn’t allowed, but they made all their transactions on social media. Should they really be graduating if they don’t know this?” she asked, shaking her head.
In an official report, President Andrew Hamilton declared this one of the worst cases of illegal marketing in NYU history. He wrote, “We will start to discuss and implement changes to fix the problem, but we probably won’t see results until twenty years from now when you’ve all graduated and don’t care anymore. Best of luck to the current graduating class!”
Like booze before noon? So do these guys…