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Paranormal Experts Take Interest In Speed of Weinstein Elevator

Starting on Saturday, March 18th, a small group of paranormal researchers have begun a study in NYU’s Weinstein dorm. They are specifically interested in the speed of the building’s elevators. Reportedly, their attention was caught by the student’s constant complaints about the slowness of the elevators, which the researchers now believe may possess supernatural powers.

Paul Angler, a Tufts University graduate, 37, is leading the group. He and his team, consisting of two other single, balding, bearded men in plaid, Anthony Plinton and James “The Mud” Rockwell, have been conducting similar studies for nearly two decades now. Although without any background in science, the trio has had extensive work in the field, with a track record of 215 paranormal investigations. They call themselves The Spooky Boys®.

Angler went on to describe the team’s theories for the explanation of the Weinstein elevator’s speed.

“Basically,” he explained, “it’s highly likely that these particular elevators exist outside of time itself, meaning the passengers are actually momentarily transported to a void in which time does not exist, making a few floors feel like months.”

The gang claimed to have seen a similar situation before at a hotel in Buffalo, New York, spending what they calculate to have been about 33 years traveling from the lobby to the penthouse. The study ended when they returned after a week to discover the building had been condemned for years, completely abandoned.

“So there were probably ghosts too, yeah,” said Rockwell.

In order to find any recordable proof of this theory, The Spooky Boys would need to find a way to record time being stopped. This is almost impossible, as any recording device requires the laws of time to function. One possible solution would involve some method of proving that the elevator is actually leaving the physical plane of existence, but the Spooky Boys rejected that idea on the grounds that, “the elevator won’t do it if you’re lookin’ at it,” in the words of Plinton, citing the “watched pot never boils” rule. The phenomenon is somehow linked to a fact that many stoners have realized; that an elevator is really just a room and motion cannot truly be discerned from within.

As of now, since the Boys have not yet found an effective method of creating a measurable recording of the elevator’s resistance to time, the strongest source of proof is the actual experience of riding in the elevator, which all agree is impossibly slow. There is nothing earthly about the speed at which the Weinstein elevator ascends, and quite literally 100% of NYU students polled immediately agreed with the assertion that its speed is supernatural. The Boys’ have asked NYU to partner with them in registering Weinstein Residence Hall as a supernatural landmark, part of the Greenwich Village section of the “Haunted Manhattan” guided tour of New York City (“a completely hair-raising experience”), but the university has declined.




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