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Stern: ‘We Are Definitely Not A Pyramid Scheme’

Despite reports indicating NYU Stern would become the first university to offer a major in Blockchains and Cryptocurrency (i.e. making money with fake, online money), the prestigious school of suits have sent their best and brightest interns to tell the world that this was not at all true.

After sharing LinkedIns and attending a handful of networking events, our undercover reporters embodied #IAmStern. The Stern Building, it seems, is more like a pyramid than originally thought.

On the steps of Stern, one can find students selling the next best things: telecommunications packages, male enhancement supplements, and even jewelry. Clubs are centered around selling more hot ticket items like cheetah print leggings.

Enroll in one of their many prestigious courses, and you’ll read a syllabus (written in Snake Speech) talking about the importance of “investing in one’s future,” “expanding one’s reach,” and strangely nervous assurances that “multi-level marketing is a valid and perfectly legal business practice ripe for millennial exploit.” While this may appear suspicious, Stern professors assure us that there is nothing wrong here.

One Stern senior, Renminbi Yen, gleefully mentioned, “You really feel the success and optimistic future in these halls. We watch Hustle religiously, The Wolf of Wall Street is our bible, Bernie Madoff is our martyr, and we even have an additional study abroad site on a real Nigerian prince’s estate.”

Despite offering opportunities for comment, Stern’s public affairs has yet to respond. The signs on their door read “currently on grind, will be back never.”

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

 

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