Last week Stern senior, Andy Kim a 21-year-old man-child and Morgan Stanley internship applicant, entered Kimmel’s revolving doors and maimed an innocent Liberal Studies freshman, after being a little too forceful when pushing the doors.
The LSP student, who prefers to remain unnamed, reported the incident to NYU security.
“He was pushing the door at an ungodly speed of 100 rotations per minute. I couldn’t get out of the door in time and my hand got crushed, right in the middle of finals season! How am I supposed to write about Aristotle now?” Security did not investigate the report further.
Students had an awkward time trying to decide who would go through the Bobst doors after a line formed around them, but Kim weaseled his way to the front.
“This guy with the Stern beanie totally blindsided me,” said Bobst resident Jacob Wheeler. “As I was going through the doors he squeezed into the same section as me. Like dude, this is a one person at a time sorta deal.”
We caught up with Kim at the Palladium gym, where he was pumping iron to strengthen his door-pushing biceps.
“Why do I push the doors so fast? It’s definitely not a power move rooted in a deep issue with my masculinity,” he said as he squatted with subpar form. “And it’s not my fault that NYU doesn’t let us use normal doors. I don’t think revolving doors really save energy anyways. Global warming isn’t real.”
The Black Sheep correspondents concluded that he probably has a deep-rooted issue with his masculinity.
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