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Wellness Center Overrun With Students Allergic to Tisch Pretentiousness

While the vomiting is generally the byproduct of crushingly depressed alcohol consumption, there appears to be a new culprit for NYU’s latest plague-craze: pretence.

According to the Wellness Center, reports of students suffering from adverse reactions to the unbearable pretentiousness of Tisch students have reached an all-time high this year. Officials predict recovery could take up to three weeks of “extended rest and strict avoidance of any of the local Starbucks for the next month. Just to be safe.”

Symptoms of the disease include, but are not limited to: vomiting, rashes, and uncontrollable urges to punch anyone with a cigarette and poorly-bleached hair.

Harrison Bayberry, Gallatin junior, said that he was struck with a bout of what has come to be known as “Tischcardia” when he was having a conversation with his roommate about their plans for the upcoming week.

“He mentioned that he was going to a smoothie party, and I told him he should probably wear something bright.” recounted Bayberry, still recovering from his attack. “He then responded by saying that he couldn’t. Apparently he only wears clothes that share pigments with the cinematography for Moonlight. And he can’t afford to break his aesthetic like that. After that, all I remember is my stomach turning inside out. Then my hands closed in on what felt like the stem of a beetroot.”

As for why there seems to be an increase in incidents this year, health officials are still puzzled. According to NYU’s Supreme Executive of Student Health, Grant Peachtree: “the sudden spike this year is unprecedented. Maybe it’s the new HBO lineup or something. The last time we had this many cases was when all the drama students argued over who found Hamilton first.”

In any case, be on the lookout for any of the aforementioned students. It could save your life. Or at least your morning.

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