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Tisch Student ‘Pretty Sure’ He Qualifies For Free Med School Tuition After Playing Dr. Orin Scrivello In ‘Little Shop Of Horrors’

Despite the massive wave of support for the NYU School of Medicine’s move to a free education—regardless of need or merit—some non-qualifying students are left feeling betrayed.

“What do you mean I can’t prepare for the MCAT in time?” cried Tisch senior, Stewie Davis. “I know that the Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell; I was Orin-fucking Scrivello in a production of Little Shop of Horrors for Christ’s sake! To be a doctor, I just have to become the doctor.”

His advisor, Laura Landon, stepped away from Davis’ melodrama to offer comment: “You would think this is self-apparent,” sighed Landon. “But the Tisch School of Arts, regardless of one’s pursuit, does not focus on creating the country’s next set of optometrists and pediatricians, and definitely NOT dentists.”

The devastation felt by Davis resonates with many of his peers. His friend, junior Ophelia Clarke, furiously paced the same five foot Tisch hallway, vlogging on her GoPro about the university’s latest move to foster and provide a more equitable education. 

“This is just like the election,” Clarke screamed. “Honestly, it might even be worse. The world already showers these schmucks with money after school, and now they go to school for free? I crafted a deconstructionist arthouse film about the dangers of dandelions, and they think creating more surgeons is more important? Last time I checked, Grey’s Anatomy was a dying series; The Good Doctor is garbage TV, dammit!”

Violet-clad ambulances take Tisch’s most laden with despair and anger to NYU Langone’s various medical centers. In a twist of seemingly Shakespearian irony, these belligerent boys and girls are now the patients of their own anger, the conclusion of man’s greatest tragedy.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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