In the world of hookups and Tinder, one’s got to have something reliable around to turn you on. Thankfully, NYU’s got our back. We compiled a list of all the things NYU has that turn you on in totally and completely non-sexual ways:
5.) The pointless (but hopeful) non-smoking signs:
They’re the sole beacon of unrelenting hope in a city where irony and the death of dreams rule. The signs are a stalwart, yet fruitless, attempt to curb smoking. When you walk into an NYU building, you will always be hit with a cloud of thick smoke that swallows you up. But the signs remain, steadfast and brave. The qualities of Braveheart, of Odysseus, of Jesus evokes their image and in doing so begins to turn one on.
4.) GCASL bathrooms:
In the words of OutKast, “so fresh, so clean”. The GCASL bathrooms are so fancy with their colors and non-florescent light. When you enter the GCASL bathrooms, it’s clear that they are the pinnacle of toilets at NYU. Instead of the usual broken white tile and florescent lights that might make you avoid the mirror (if there was one), it’s pretty and pleasantly lit. And, when you look at yourself in the mirror, you turn yourself on.
3.) When a Gram elevator takes you directly from the lobby to your floor:
It’s rare, and it’s beautiful. It’s like witnessing the biblical second coming. The feeling of watching those numbers ascend, and ascend to any floor to avoid people is incredible. It is the peak of any person’s day when they can completely cut out all social interaction. Pure ecstacy.
2.) The view from the 10th floor of Bobst:
Just imagine the view of Manhattan; seeing the park and the buildings below you. One is struck with the feeling of awe and superiority, feeling as if they’re the ruler of all below them, compelled with the notion that they own everything. This power is often cause of some non-sexual arousal, that often still ends in masturbation.
1.) Free shit:
Amazon Prime, HBO GO, The Whitney, MOMA, Spotify premium, the list goes on. And it’s all fucking free. It’s free! Free, goddammit! Is this not self-explanatory? While other people have to pay, we get it for free. When Kendrick Lamar says “this shit ain’t free,”
he’s wrong. This shit is free. (However, we’re paying $70,000+ a year, so he’s low-key right, but that’s besides the point.)
So, NYU, stop turning everyone on in non-sexual ways. We’re simply here to get an education, jeezzz!
Listen to our podcast!