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University Students Battle to Become NYU’s Alpha Gay

Underneath the ever-present sexual tension between the gay men of New York University lies a power struggle for supremacy. Though the battle has remained relatively passive-aggressive in the past, the gays have now taken up arms against each other in Washington Square Park. As each school of NYU hopes that one of their own will bring home the title of NYU’s Alpha Gay, hundreds of spectators have gathered around the park to witness the catfights, the weave-snatching, and the general bitchery.

Though many have claimed to “literally die” from embarrassment, no one has actually been physically harmed yet. Instead, it has been agreed upon that a competitor disqualifies himself once he starts crying. One Stern student, however, has contested his elimination after a rival gay accused him of being a douchebag elitist who fakes narcissism to hide his all-consuming self-loathing.

“I wasn’t crying,” he said in a hyper-masculine voice that was a whole three octaves lower than usual. “The wind was blowing in my eyes, bro!”

CAS sophomore Alex Johnson claimed an early lead by dishing out some poignant profanity against the competition, but was immediately eliminated after declaring that Katy Perry was better than Beyoncé.

“NYU is an accepting place,” said the one gay guy who goes to Tandon, “but we don’t tolerate that kind of blasphemy here.”

As the gays are famous for quickly identifying what others hate about themselves, the insults in Greenwich Village are particularly savage. One Gallatin student, Alex Morgan, has already dropped out due to a heavy onslaught of perfectly annunciated burns from a Tisch student.

“Everything was fine until he said I needed to remove the word ‘vers’ from my Grindr profile,” said the devastated Morgan, as he choked back tears. “I thought we’d all agreed to not discuss that stuff in public.”

“He’s not fooling anyone,” said Tisch gay in response. “The only versatile thing about him is his ‘multidisciplinary degree.’”

NYU’s gay fraternity, Delta Lambda Phi, has sent one of their own to represent them in the Gay-mes. Though many expect that the frat is nothing more than a festering cesspool of orgies and promiscuity, they have shown real camaraderie and support for their competing brother.

“All these twinks can’t compete with Tommy,” said frat bro, Benji Smalls. “We made matching t-shirts with his face on them to show the love!”

Some Steinhardt students have resorted to unfollowing the competition on Instagram, which cements the fact that they aren’t fucking around. Honing in on a critical font of validation for rival gays, one MCC major is out for blood.

“I’m totally going to win, so there’s like no point in even acknowledging the existence of the Beta Gays,” said junior Johnny Patzy. “I study Media, Culture, and Communication, so I know how emotionally crippling it can be to watch your followers count go down.”

Though no one frontrunner can be determined at this time, it is clear that the battle is sure to yield the homo supreme. As the ranks thin and the cattiness festers, may the odds be ever in their favor.

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