Spontaneous stress-fueled adrenaline humps have become a commonality across campus as of late. Whether it be the beginning of the semester jitters or the rapidly increasing work loads, students are quickly discovering they need sex and they need it now.
The whole objective of having sex on campus is the inevitable danger involved. The thrill and spontaneity of it all is what makes it truly worth the risk. Additionally, having sex on a bed is far too familiar and uninspired. When it comes to our genitals, we, as students of higher academia, owe it to our selves, and our seed, to keep it inspired and fresh. And often, having sex on campus is just much more convenient.
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No three-week interactive Student Wellness Center program about healthy relationships and consent could get us through this one. So here are the cold hard facts for where to get it in and get it on.
5.) Stacks Tower:
One of the more obvious choices, the Thompson Library stacks tower is plagued with sexual energy and the echo of stifled orgasms of days gone by. Does anyone actually check out books? No. You and your lover will be all alone to fuck love like rabbits, with little risk of interruption. “Security” does rounds at the top of every hour, so dudes, plan the 30 seconds you usually last accordingly. Additionally, British Literature is unanimously recognized as one of the sexiest things there is. The entire time you’re leaned up against the bookshelf wondering which Charles Dickens novel is digging deeper and deeper into your supple little butt cheek, you’ll get closer and closer to that magical O.
4.) Any Bathroom Anywhere:
Is it even appropriate to call them bathrooms anymore? These things are like campus-instituted brothels; except with a lot less heroine and a lot more half-ply toilet paper. Perfect spot for a quickie? Most definitely. If you spend a day on campus without walking in on at least three love making sessions, something is very, very wrong. Baby changing tables are in there for a reason: so say fuck it to your dignity, make like an infant, and get messy on that thing.
3.) Lactation Rooms:
Behind 25 condoms for $5 at the Student Wellness Center, the lactation rooms are some of the most underutilized phenomena Ohio State has to offer. There are very individual, very private rooms in 35 buildings across campus. How many students actually have infants and are actually lactating? Proportionally few. These things are constantly empty. So slip on in your nearest lactation room, lock the door behind you, abuse the hell out of it, and use it for everything it wasn’t meant for. That is unless you and your partner are into milk stuff, which is totally weird and fucked up cool.
2.) Baker Systems Building:
Professors shouldn’t know you’re having sex during their lectures right? Wrong. This is especially the case for professors lecturing in the Baker Systems Building, home of The Ohio State University’s Department of Engineering. The Department of Engineering is arguably one of the most sexually frustrated/inexperienced departments on campus. Sit in on a lecture and get real nasty in the front row. This is the most public display of affection you can practice, and you will be discovered. But what’s the point of having sex if you can’t tell everyone about it? Professors and fellow sexually frustrated students alike will praise you for your ability to please and be pleased.
1.) Don’t have sex on campus, it can wait
Just kidding, that’s dumb as shit! Most of us only have one chance at college life! So get on out there, let loose, and have sex with whoever you want, whenever you want, and wherever you want.