Due to the recent police raids taking place at campus bars, places like Midway and Bullwinkle’s have been as empty as we’ve ever seen them. Students who are used to pretending to be 21 can no longer find solace at the bottom of a Bullwinkle’s boot without the fear of being arrested and once again disappointing their parents. The bar might have to start considering renting out their building Sunday through Wednesday, and, lucky for them, The Black Sheep already has a list started of some alternative uses for Bullwinkle’s.
Bullwinkle’s, along with all its underage inhabitants on the weekends, needs Jesus, or whatever greater figure you may believe in. After all the gyrating, binge-drinking and premarital sex that takes place Thursday through Saturday nights, it’s a wonder God himself has not struck the building with lightning. All you sinners better get to Bull’s on Sunday and pray for forgiveness.
5.) Wedding venue:
Among all the one-night stands that have emerged from the depths of the Bullwinkle’s dance floor, there are bound to be a few couples that ended up falling in love and now want to get married. What better a place to say their vows than where they drunkenly met years ago under the strobe lights, half naked and grinding away? It’s the perfect place for both the ceremony and the reception. Who wouldn’t want a giant bull head snorting smoke out as they say, “I do”?
4.) Study center:
You have Younkin, and you have Thompson. You have SEL, and now you could even have Bullwinkle’s. Imagine pulling an all-night study session Wednesday and then not even having to leave to get drunk on Thursday night in the same place. You may not be able to order any shots, but if you tip the bartender well, they might throw a little Bailey’s into your coffee to get you through the day.
3.) Commencement ceremony:
Forget The Shoe—there’s no greater place to hold graduation ceremonies than at Bullwinkle’s. Many graduates will not have stepped foot inside of the venue since their freshman year, which will bring back a ton of blank memories because they were always too fucked up on two beers to remember anything.
2.) Daycare center:
Who better to leave young children with than big, buff Bullwinkle bodyguards and half-naked bartenders? They have plenty of babysitting experience and, honestly, children would probably be easier than drunk freshmen who refuse to leave at the end of the night. Just make sure your baby gets regular tetanus shots and don’t be surprised when you pick up your child and they’re holding a used condom.
1.) Student athlete housing:
We’ve come to the conclusion that the very best usage for the space within Bullwinkle’s is to house student athletes. Most of them are there all the time anyway, despite the fact that everyone knows they’re underage. The guys, specifically football players, are used to living in filth, and they probably wouldn’t even complain if the place didn’t ever get cleaned.
Columbus police are cracking down hard on underage drinking, and despite the business Bullwinkle’s might be losing, there are plenty of opportunities to turn the place into something worthwhile.