What does spring, the season most opposite that of football, offer to us that the other seasons don’t? Despite being a bunch of nuts, we students feel the same call as that of all the mammals in this time: mating season is upon us. If initial efforts at mating happen to fail, there are certainly plenty of Buckeye Aphrodisiacs you can implement to get your scarlet and gray compatriots in the mood.
There’s something about buying a lady that late night Cane’s that gets her all hot and bothered. Somehow the grease bloat cannot stop the love-making that will ensue from the savior that buys his damsel in distress a mediocre chicken finger with bomb-ass sauce. Feed her that signature sauce and it won’t be the only thing she’s slurping tonight.
5.) Four Loko:
Sure, you think, Four Loko is an aphrodisiac at any college. But did any other college try to act like it wasn’t violating Title IX rights (this year) by enforcing the liquor ban at frats and making this the only thing served to the horny masses? Four Loko is subtle but deadly, and sure to get someone’s pants off-with permission-at some point.
Those little buggers are useful for everything around here, and they’re super easy to find. Just make sure that you de-shell and cook this Ohio State-only aphrodisiac, because it turns out that buckeye nuts are mildly poisonous and can really ruin your date if you’re not careful. Good luck!
3.) Oxytocin from a Vole:
This one is for you little Hulu nerds out there trying to impress a mate that knows the value of cartoon comedy. Take a page from Rick Sanchez and offer this powerful bonding hormone roofie-juice, or just make the reference to be the most creative nerd seeking to get laid. Since Ohio State is sooo elite, there will be plenty of nerds on the prowl.
2.) Peanut Butter and Chocolate:
Poison your first date with real buckeye nuts? Never fear! The candy imitation will work just as well (or better, depending on how the poisoning went). This highly effective aphrodisiac combines chocolate, a classic ingredient for sexing people up, with a peanut butter, the only partner-in-crime to chocolate that can truly express why you need to bone: you both go to OSU.
1.) The Sweat of Urban Meyer:
There’s nothing more virile in this little Columbus world than a few drops from the pores of the most virile and powerful male around. While we’re not sure how one goes about getting said sweat without the joy of bedding Daddy Meyer, we’re certain that a mere half drop in someone’s Four Loko will have them falling in love with you.
Whatever aphrodisiac works for you, remember that there is no shame in sex during mating season…that is, unless you’re not having any.
WATCH: We asked drunks about their March Madness superstitions: