The school year has finally gotten into full swing, and now is the time to embrace “New year, new you!” Unfortunately, “you” is still the same frumpy fat-fuck as last year and your roommate has lost 25 pounds, leaving her and her vagina ready to take on the town. But while she and her new body get it on, you still need a place to sleep. Therefore, we at The Black Sheep have found these tested and true places to sleep on campus anytime you find yourself without a bed.
6.) The Oval:
That’s right, the Oval. You take naps there in the warm April sun, so why not hunker down and cuddle up to the grass against a brisk fall wind? There’s even some convenient low-hanging tree branches you could use to harness the second floor for protection against bears and Afroduck and other wildlife creatures.
5.) 18th Ave. Library:
This classic is always a go-to, but only when done correctly. Since we all know that you’re not allowed to sleep here, try climbing on top of one of the book shelves, where the even the most diligent rent-a-cops will be sure not to spot you.
4.) Someone Else’s Bed:
Now don’t be shy here, kids. Your roommate is getting some action, so there’s no reason you can’t too. There’s chubby chasers all over this place; that’s what Tinder is for! If all else fails, go try to blend in with the trash spilling out of Big Bar and hope that someone mistakes you for the excellent grinder they spent the evening with the face they never saw.
3.) The Amphitheater:
A reefer a day keeps the…sexile away? No, that doesn’t sound right, but hey, nobody minds a little pot smoke when they’re trying to sleep, right? This place has great benefits that come with it: all the free sexless sativa and new friends you’ll make for next time you’re locked out. Not to mention that those rock-hard stairs will be sure not to get muddy if it rains on your night.
2.) The “8” in the Number’s Garden:
This is the perfect home-away-from-home, practically an armchair! Just tuck your pillows into the little hole and you can curl up like a fox in a den. The other side of the 8 even makes a perfect bed for one of your new friends from the Amphitheater.
1.) Smith Lab:
Ok, you celibate fiend, here’s a juicy tip for making it to the bottom of the article. One of the doors to Smith Lab is perpetually left unlocked, so feel free to break on in any time you need a place to go for the night. You can even watch your sad, lonely Netflix on the projectors. That is, if you’re into that breaking and entering sort of thing.
No matter where you sleep when you get thrown out of your room, just remember one thing: you are a bit of a loser, but never fear: your roommate is a shitty person for tossing you out on your ass anyway.
For those about to rush, we salute you: