“Is this real?” You ask yourself, looking over your shoulders like Schmegel to protect your new treasure. “Am I seeing this right? Did Ohio State randomly give me $300?” Yes, friend, yes they did. Those fortunate souls preparing to liberate themselves from University Housing’s clutches have received a $300 refund for some deposit they forgot paying as a senior at Bumfuck Nowhere High School. “Didn’t Mom pay that money for me?” Part of you may ask, but the rest of you knows that your mom forgot about that money at some point in the past two years, and you should instead be thinking of bomb ass ways to spend it. These are our recommendations:
5.) Natty ICE:
Despite all of the times that Natty Light has been your companion, fuck that shit. You got $300 and can live like a king in your choice of shitty beer. You can now afford the $1 difference for the 1.1% alcohol increase. Get extra drunk and extra hungover from all the demonic sugar they add like a fucking boss.
4.) A Gorilla Suit:
We’re not saying you need a gorilla suit, but we’re not saying you don’t need one either. What better way to celebrate living like a king in this concrete jungle than running around drunk dressed as the King of the Jungle?
3.) More Red Clothes (to Balance Out the Gray in Your Weak College Soul):
Let’s face it, guys. You have 8 Ohio State shirts and none of them make you happy when you when you’re trying to plan a seductive outfit for the football games. Don’t have enough clothes that convey both that you’re a Proud Buckeye and also Ready and Willing? Free money, bitches! You could even splurge on a licensed jersey, if you’re into fetishizing the players like that.
2.) A Freshman Who Writes B+ Papers:
The semester is winding down and you’re tired. Don’t want to write a paper? Pay someone else to do it! These freshman have yet to partake in the $300 surprise refund that we’re all salivating over, and would gladly jump at the chance to help the wealthy pass classes for a piece of the prize.
1.) A Fake ID, Tons of Alcohol, and Some Random Man Offering You Cocaine:
This is the most realistic way you’re going to spend your money, and they will take up the entirety of the $300 when you’re done. Take that shit out in cash and go out for the night of your life on High Street. It won’t be clear exactly where the $300 went, but you’ll feel like a Wall Street Millionaire instead of a Fisher Student when you’re flashing it around and getting all of the bystanders drunk.
No matter how you spend your $300, make sure that you don’t do it in a way that will have your mom asking where the money came from. You’ve earned this money from living on campus for two excruciating years.
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