Sure, lofted beds are a total space saver in a cramped dorm room, but at what cost? It’s reached the point in the semester where you’d rather just sleep on your dorm floor—covered in hair, old Natty, and bodily fluids—than take the extra energy to climb into your lofted bed. Rather than risking getting an incurable rash all over your body from your nasty rug, try out some of these more ~creative~ options for getting your sorry ass into bed where you belong.
6.) Buy a pair of stilts:
If you prop up a pair of stilts next to your ginormous bed, getting up into it is technically only one step. Just be careful that you don’t fall backwards while wearing these. Plus, if you wear them around campus, you would probably get cool nickname, like “Stilt Guy” or “That One Asshole Wearing Stilts.”
5.) Install a fun slide:
Okay, yes, this could be violating a lot of rules, but how FUN would it be? Just run to Home Depot–or wherever the hell slides are sold–and grab a couple power tools to drill that bad boy into your ceiling. Your hall director can’t be that mad at your light renovation work just for trying to make life more fun!
4.) Work on your vertical:
Walk, don’t run, to the RPAC to start training yourself to jump higher than…someone who can jump high. Get your vertical jump up to about five feet and getting into bed isn’t even hard anymore! This method will also give you insane leg muscles, which is cool, but also you could be scary. “One small step for man, one giant leap to get into top bunk bed,” –Neil Armstrong (probably).
3.) Tie your sheet to the ceiling:
It’s like middle school gym class all over again when you had to climb the rope. Except, this time, there’s actually a point to climbing said rope: you get to take a nap at the top of it. Downside: your drop ceiling tiles probably weren’t meant to hold up your body weight, let alone the weight you’ve put on since discovering the PAD and Natty Lite (sorry, but it’s true). You could come crashing down, but no risk, no reward, right?
2.) Buy a trampoline:
This option is for those of you who gave a hard “no” to the working on your vertical. Every kid wanted a trampoline in their house when they were younger, so by doing this, you’re killing two birds with one stone: the struggle of getting to lie down in your lofted bed, and getting back at your parents by ruining your childhood. Take that, mom and dad! You can also become lax in getting out of bed by just rolling out onto the trampoline. Win win!
1.) Build a flight of stairs (preferably spiral):
This is probably going to be the priciest option, but at the end of it you can put that you are “trained in carpentry” on your LinkedIn profile. Again, your hall director will probably hate you, but it’s worth it to build character (and to take the grunt work out of climbing up the dumb latter of your bed).
Try out some of these methods for the remainder of the school year. And next fall, remember—don’t f*cking loft your bed!
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