We here at THE Ohio State University have pretty much figured out by now that this is a bomb-ass place to go to school, even if it dooms you to a life of yelling “I-O” at random intervals. Unfortunately for the students, however, crazy shit has gone down to try to tarnish the joyous land that is our glorious bubble, so here’s a list just to remind you of what fucked us in the past, present and possibly the future.
6.) The Death of Afroduck:
The death of our little, white-plumed friend Afroduck last year was tragic. Students found the icon’s body floating upside down on Mirror Lake mid-day, not knowing that their life would soon change forever. Some say it was a hit job. Others, a punishment from God for the university funding of Bullwinkle’s. His adorable hat and loving personality make him a memory forever to those who have shared and celebrated his existence since the very beginning.
5.) The Closing of Mirror Lake:
This “historical renovation” is as fake as the news Donald Trump complains about each day. The ever-so-loved tradition died this year, as did everyone’s spirit. What is Michigan week without the jump? When can we all jump naked into a lake and then celebrate the illnesses we obtain afterwards. What’s even more tragic than the closing of the lake is the failed attempts of various student organizations trying to organize replacement events.
4.) Big Bar Still Standing:
Ok, let’s just start by saying what the fuck is Big Bar? We’ve certainly never left there without feeling like we walked through glue. But you’ve all been there. And to add to the fucked up-ness that is the establishment, it’s still standing.
3.) High Street Demolitions:
#SaveToos and #SaveEveryDamnOtherThing on this so-loved street. What did these establishments ever do to you, Dr. Drake? Did our fun times ruin your eye exams you look forward to? Taking away the only thing that we have to look forward to after classes is as illegal as everything Trump has done thus far in his candidacy.
2.) Bagpipe Guy’s Disappearance :
Not only is this probably the greatest part of the Oval, this is also probably the greatest mystery known to mankind. Who is this bold fellow who assails our ears with such laboriously-crafted notes? Be he man or spirit? Is he the world’s greatest lover? (Our money is on yes) and if you know, tell us where he went.
Where did you go, bagpipe guy?
1.) The Ridiculous Reincarnation of Afroduck:
Remember our dearly beloved Afroduck? Then surely you remember the day that we all came face-to-face with photos of our comrade’s corpse smeared across our Twitter timelines. We thought the world at Ohio State would never be the same! But we were wrong. Those sneaky prick administrators just replaced our gorgeous duck with an uglier replica. As if we wouldn’t know. #NeverForgetAfroduck
Ohio State is the best place to be in the world, unless you count all these shit storms that have ran through. Just remember not to be an asshole to people who went to shittier schools; it’s much too late for their bad ACT scores to matter now.
You have the same thoughts walking by the Packaging building: