In light of the Wolverines’ recent (horrible) season, Xichigan’s head football coach Jim Harbaugh has begun seeking an alternative plan to playing the Buckeyes this weekend. Late Sunday night, Harbaugh reached out to Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer attempting to set up an arm wrestling competition in lieu of a regular game for this Saturday.
“Yeah, there’s clearly no way we’re pulling out a W this weekend in football,” Harbaugh said. “So I’ve been thinking recently, ‘What’s another way that we can finally beat Ohio State?’ And then it came to me: maybe I could beat Urban in arm wrestling.”
Harbaugh decided to take matters into his own hands by first calling Meyer’s cell phone, only to discover he had been blocked. Becoming more and more desperate, he then started frantically DM-ing Meyer on all popular social media platforms, such as Twitter and Instagram, begging Meyer to “just think about it.”
“Clearly, [Harbaugh] has absolutely no confidence in his team,” Meyer said. “Granted, if I was their coach, I wouldn’t have any either, but still. Somebody’s gotta tell him to at least fake it ‘til the game is over. Also, it’s laughable that he imagines he could beat me in any sort of mental, physical, or emotional contest.”
Rather than letting Meyer’s obviously superior exterior and interior intimidate him, Harbaugh began channeling his jealousy towards his rival coach into knitting, parkour, and poetry. He thinks his random bursts of rage have cut down greatly since starting these new hobbies.
Harbaugh stated that after racking his tiny brain for hours that turned into days trying to think of an activity that he could defeat Meyer in, he was unable to come up with anything. Harbaugh said that it wasn’t until he finished a set of lifting with his one-pound dumbbells that he was able to think of his arm wrestle idea.
“Since last year’s loss, I’ve been hitting the gym more, trying to become more physically flawless like Urban,” Harbaugh said. “It’s hard to keep up with him, that guy is cut. Every time I feel like giving up, though, I think of his smug face in that sexy, white sweat suit and try and push myself a little harder and drink one big glass of milk.”
This behavior is categorized as “semi-obsessive,” according to Sarah Harbaugh, wife of Jim Harbaugh, adding that her husband’s attitude has been getting a little “out of hand.”
“Jim isn’t really himself anymore,” Sarah said. “If he’s not at football practice, he’s doing drills on the American Ninja Warrior set he made in the backyard. He doesn’t talk about anything for more than a few minutes without bringing up Meyer, and he sometimes mutters about Urban in his sleep. I’m beginning to get a little scared.”
In fact, Harbaugh’s behavior has attracted a lot of negative attention from his players as well. Some members of the football team have noted that he has shown up to practice several times in outfits that greatly mimic the iconic white sweat suit coach Urban Meyer wears every game day.
Upon hearing this information, Meyer laughed. He commented on how obvious it was that Harbaugh is no longer coaching for the “love of the game” but rather for the sole reason of beating Meyer in any sort of competition possible.
Meyer added that defeating him “is nearly impossible,” and that he has not yet responded to Harbaugh’s pleas, revealing that he plans on leaving Harbaugh on “read.”
The arm wrestle, if Meyer allows it to happen, will take place in Harbaugh’s Ann Arbor home this coming Saturday. Reports claim that Harbaugh’s reasoning behind the event location is for the ease of convenience, as well as a safety net for when Harbaugh loses and needs to cry in his room with a nice, warm glass of soy milk.
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