Responding to call of an “armed robber” off-campus, OSU PD picked up an unnamed masked assailant late Tuesday. However, this robber reportedly did not actually take any money from any victims, instead only demanded they “spend more time at The Union.” Once taken into custody, it was leaked that the figure was actually Dr. J. in disguise, wielding a dark blue water gun.
Upon further interrogation it came to light that The Union has seen a sharp decline in student activity compared to last semester. Worried for her job, as head of student life, Dr. J. took it upon herself to start boosting those numbers- vigilante style.
“I did it for the good of the students,” hypocritically claimed Dr. J., “and I would do it again.”
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