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6 Ways to Dress Like a Hoe This Winter and Not Freeze on Midway’s Patio

While everybody loves the fall and winter (and the cute Insta opportunities cold weather brings with it), it’s less than ideal to be going out in your smallest clothing in freezing temperatures, no matter how thick your alcohol blanket is. In order to stay warm enough to enjoy Midway’s patio and still dress like your best/sluttiest self, follow these tips.

6.) A hat for just your ears:
Pulling on a knit beanie would ruin your hair that you spent two and a half hours curling. Instead of sacrificing the loss of body heat for the love of a good hair day, pull on two small caps for the tips of your ears. By the end of the night, Clothing Underground will have reached out to you for the rights to the design to mass produce for game day.

5.) Regina George-esque shirt, AKA “free the nip”:
What’s sexier than a female’s nipple? A whole bunch of things, but still, nipples are totally up there. Pay homage to one of the baddest bitches in teen movie history and cut out all the nipples in your thickest sweaters. Not only will the rest of your body be warm, but nobody is even going to be looking at anything other than your semi-exposed boob (you can probably skip out on makeup for the night). Bonus: the bouncers will more than likely let you cut the outrageously long line for Midway.

4.) Add a turtleneck to all your tank tops:
You’ve all seen that “As Seen on TV” product where it’s just the turtleneck part of a sweater. Transition your summer clothes into the next season by sewing one of those bad boys into your shortest and sleeveless crop tops! Somebody at some point totally said that if your neck’s covered, you can’t be cold, right?

3.) Hairy tights to stave off creepy guys while keeping your body temperature up:
Sure, there are regular tights you could choose to pair with the cute skirt you insist on wearing in sub-zero temperatures, but they don’t show nearly enough skin. Slip into a pair of these bad boys that mimic real leg hair and you won’t have to worry about some guy groping your thigh the next time you’re trying to dance to “Single Ladies” on the bench outside of Midway.

2.) Make Halloween come twice:
You definitely have at least one friend who dressed up as a “Viking Princess” or something with lots of fur and minimal fabric. Ask to borrow her costume for a night—not for a TG but for enduring the cold at Midway. Not only do you look sexy, but you also seem cultured and kinda quirky for wearing this not on Halloween. Soon enough, girls are going to be carrying their own swords and shields out every Thirsty Thursday.

1.) Go full on couture—or whatever the hell this is:
There has got to be somebody, somewhere who thinks this cotton ball coat is high fashion and sexy. At the very least, if somebody asks you what you’re wearing, you can just tell them how much it cost, and they’ll probably respect you. Good luck getting it through the night without at least one stain from a spilled vodka cran, though.

Don’t look frumpy this winter. Dress to impress out on Midway’s patio, while still staying warm enough to ward off hypothermia. In the wise words of Cardy B, “A hoe never gets cold.”

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