No matter how good your fake ID is, just about every bouncer knows it’s fake. It is more so a game of how good you are with your fake than how good your fake is.
Everyone’s been there, standing anxiously with every bit of pain and hesitation seeping through your drunken pores. As you wait there watching the bouncer do the I’m-gonna-bend-the-absolute-shit-out-of-this-to-check-if-its-real technique, your head and your bladder spin with uncertainty. “Do I know my address?”, “Capital, that’s easy.” “My zip code? Fuck, my zip code! My god-forsaken zip code! Does it end in 23 or 32?? FUCCCK!!”
In times like these, there is no better way to lend to the authenticity of your ID (and cut the nerves) than to drop a really weird, really fucked up fact about your home state. Going the extra mile and impressing the all-knowing bouncer with a bit of factual knowledge will not only make you seem very, very cool, but it will more importantly make your fake ID seem very, very real.
Here is your model: “Hey, did you know that in (insert state of ID), (drop fact)”
Alabama: It is illegal to own or operate any ice cream truck unless you are a registered sex offender.
Alaska: In 2007, every Subway was required to change the name of the popular deli meat selection, “Black Forest Ham”, to “Racially Neutral Forest Ham.
Arizona: After 9:00 pm, all stepchildren are required to refer to their designated stepparent as either “Mother” or “Father.”
Arkansas: In 1976 it became illegal to flatulate in smoking sections of restaurants. The combination of sweet ass and stale tobacco was determined “not safe for human consumption.”
California: Male undergarments are only legally sold in state-run, licensed, and regulated superstores.
Colorado: Sphincter enhancement surgeries are the leading surgical enhancement treatment 10 to 1.
Connecticut The phrase, “Would you pass the salt?” has been stripped from appropriate table conversation as it has most commonly come to be associated with the act of preforming autofellatio.
Delaware: Elementary School busses only operate on Sundays and refuse to transport deaf children.
Florida: In 2010, foot fetishism became the leading cause of all automobile-related traffic deaths.
Georgia: The only episode of “Friends” currently in syndication is “The One with All the Candy.”
Hawaii: Barack Obama got his first full on erection during science class, in the Fall of 1968.
Idaho: 75% of Idaho potatoes are actually from Cuba.
Illinois: Prematurely ejaculating is considered a desirable quality by 95% of sexually active females.
Indiana: 96% of teens who “go black” have never gone back.
Iowa: Publicly blaspheming pop icon Nelly Furtado can lead to a maximum 3-year prison sentence.
Kansas: 20% of males are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.
Kentucky: 78% of male and female adults have had a sexual encounter with Rowan County clerk, Kimberly Davis, and will again.
Louisiana: The phrase “Mmm, mmm not in my crock pot..” was originated here shortly after the signing of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803.
Maine: The most traditional and widely practiced way to eat lobster is to swallow the crustacean whole.
Maryland: 60% of females haven’t seen and will never see The Emperor’s New Groove.
Massachusetts: It is legal to shoot a member of your family if they show symptoms of homosexuality.
Michigan: 98% of males were born with a micro penis.
Minnesota: Native American tribes hosted the first ever Miss Teen USA pageant in 1815.
Mississippi: The phrase “You’re a Mexican” is a common, endearing way to greet loved ones.
Missouri: Supreme leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, holds the record for every competitive eating contest hosted by all participating restaurants in the state.
Equipped with these surprising and unfamiliar facts you will have no problem getting into any of the bars on campus. Remember the model. Train. Succeed. Now get after it!
Your state wasn’t listed? Not a problem! Keep a look out for Part 2.