It sustains you, it pleases you, and it is you. I think we all know what we’re talking about here: free fucking food. Yes, the holy grail of life at college, the fact that you can be wandering through the Union and accidentally stumble onto a vegan focus group with a meat-loving friend, but eat everything because it costs nothing. Free food is everything to an OSU student, but with it being the start of second semester, it takes more and more exciting options to actually get someone to put pants on and come listen to you for free food. Below are some fun derivatives of the free food on the oval we normally don’t see that might just raise enough eyebrows to make your campaign for two-ply toilet paper a hit.
5) Dogs On Buns:
Everyone loves puppies! The library is packed with people during finals who can’t wait to get their hands on a fresh and juicy dog, so a fresh and juicy Hot Dog is bound to be even more popular. You can snatch them from those lousy dog-sitters that look like they never owned a pet anyway. What’s cuter than a golden retriever offering you its paw? A golden retriever on a bun.
Sure, everybody loves chocolate and peanut butter, but who actually finds themselves still excited to be presented with this nationalistic treat? Go out on the oval and gather up some actual buckeyes to make a nice little nut dish that every student can enjoy. Plus, you don’t have to buy drinks if you cut out that thirst-inducing peanut butter.
3) Coke with Coke:
This is a drink served just like your great grandmother used to do it, a nice warm glass of coke with just a little sprinkling of cocaine across the surface. Not only will it cure any exhaustion that any members may have dragged into the room, but also it will leave people feeling literally addicted to your club! What a great way to promote return-visitors!
Stealing its name from the classic sausage hors d’oeuvres (which we really recommend you try with your New and Improved Puppy Dogs!), this dish is a spin on the classic sheet pizza that you had at every other meeting last semester. Instead of serving your pizza from a box, try serving it from a myriad of household objects, especially the bed sheets from which the name is derived. So many more people will want to eat out of your roommate’s pillowcase than you would imagine.
Free liquor? You’ll walk-of-shame up High Street for it on a Tuesday, so certainly the threat of free vodka at a meeting can get your pants on. (That’s a real change of pace for all of us.) Just toss up your super-effective “21 to Drink, 18 to Party” sign that we all know works to protect yourself from the liability of freshman leaving with a bit less in their stomach than they came with.
Whatever you decide to serve at your club meeting, be it interesting enough, is sure to attract those who dedicate themselves to the hunt for free food. But please, for the love of god, please stop ordering pizza from the same place for every event. You know who you are, Every Club on Campus.