Step aside, Natty Light, there’s a new beverage to be recklessly consumed on Ohio State’s campus–Ohio apple cider, the highly addictive fall beverage of choice.
Natty Light and Ohio cider are in high competition for sponsoring this weekend’s block at Alpha Sigma Sigma. President of the fraternity, Brad Evans, says that the decision to consider Ohio cider has to do with how many brothers OD’d on the sugary cider last year.
“Bro, it was honestly nuts,” Evans says while double fisting two of the the classic sport-cap bottle. “Last year, Brody and Chett both had to go to the hospital because they had forty-two ciders in one weekend.”
Brody Chett and Chett Brody, the aforementioned overdosers, were in fact hospitalized due to high blood sugar and extreme dehydration.
“Honestly it was a full on ciderout,” Chett said, in reference to his cider binge. “But before it all went downhill, I swear to God, it was a better buzz than drinking a Gold Loko.”
The buzz that Chett created surrounding his buzz is the main reason why Evans is considering buying out all the Ohio cider on campus.
“As president of the Alpha Sigma Sigma brothers, or ASSBros as we like to call ourselves, I am in charge of securing alcohol to make sure we have the rowdiest block in Columbus,” Evans said. “With everyone playing ‘Mo Bamba’ now, the only way to secure our top-tier status is to supply Ohio cider and Ohio cider only this weekend.”
Brody recalls his overdose in a much different light than Chett’s.
“It was, like, the worst, dude. I haven’t been able to drink any liquids since, so I take an IV bag around with me everywhere. I can’t even drink water,” said Brody through a puff of smoke. “I’ve been stoned pretty much for a full year now to stop myself from thinking of the pain I was in.”
This knowledge does not deter Evans from wanting to supply Ohio cider to minors.
“I’ve been thinking, and really, Brody is just a little bitch,” Evans said. “This is the most fucking delicious seasonal Ohio cider, bro. It’s what the people want.”
The ASSBros will be taking a vote later in the week to split the tie between Natty Light and Ohio cider. Polls are currently predicting Ohio cider to win in a landslide victory.
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