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Freshman Switches Major 27 Times This Week, Shatters School Record

Freshman Adam Anderson broke the norm on Thursday when he changed his major a whopping 27 times in one week, breaking the school record for switching majors previously set by quadruple major, Janine Harolds. 

“At first, it was normal,” said advisor Rachel Oaks, one of eight advisors Anderson met with this week. “I was Adam’s first advisor, in the College of Arts and Sciences. He came in as a biochemistry major, trying to go to med school. I never heard from him again, though.”

And most advisors don’t hear from him again. Anderson’s “love ‘em and leave ‘em” ways when it comes to majors and advisors always leaves those left behind feeling shocked and confused.

“He definitely has a reputation around campus for being a major player,” said Neil Hankon, an advisor in the College of Public Health, who has not yet served as Anderson’s advisor but plans to in the coming days. “I think his troublemaking stories has even reached Drake. I’m pretty sure Drake doesn’t even know who I am.”

  

After Anderson’s exciting, yet short-lived (five days in total) pre-med adventure, he looked to the College of Engineering, which even he should have known was a dire mistake.

“I didn’t want to be a doctor anymore,” Anderson said. “It was too much stuff to do, plus I just couldn’t get into my Chemistry 1210 lab. I heard such good things about it, too. I thought engineering would be better, cause I could still like, help people, and it would be way easier.”

Anderson’s advisor within the College of Engineering had a mouthful to say when we interviewed them about the indecisive freshman. They wished to remain anonymous. 

“Oh my God, I hate that kid,” ranted the advisor. “He started out as a biomedical engineering major, but changed within hours. Then he went to welding engineering. Who in their right mind chooses to be a welding major? That’s for psychopaths.”

Anderson took up so much time in the College of Engineering advising office that several seniors had to take an extra semester, due to the advisors scrambling to help Anderson.

“I’m so pissed,” said Brian Thomas, a fifth-year computer engineering major. “That little twerp took up all the advising time, and now I have to graduate late. The advisors suggested I take extra GE’s. What the hell is a GE?”

Anderson then decided he wanted to “get cultural,” and changed his major to Yiddish.

“But I didn’t even know what Yiddish was when I picked it, so I became a Spanish major for dos minutos,” Anderson said.

After Anderson’s roommate made a casual, light-hearted side comment that “the most exotic thing you eat is a sweet potato from Scott,” Anderson then decided that the Yiddish thing just wasn’t for him.

After failing at the pre-med and engineering tracks, Anderson did what every other ex-engineering major does: switch to business.

“I hated the business college,” Anderson said. “It was full of these fratty kids, and I don’t roll with that. They’re all about becoming the next Jordan Belfort. They even convinced me to switch my major from accounting to golf management, since, ‘That’s where the money is,’ according to them.”

After a run that spanned 10 majors and five colleges, the university calculated that it cost over $10,000 in lost time and resources to switch Anderson’s majors. After this calculation, administration unanimously decided to forcibly place Anderson in the university exploration program before he wasted any more university money.

Listen up, sheeple! 

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