With a slightly better season than last year, Ohio State basketball was knocked out of the March Madness bracket on Saturday in a close game against the Gonzaga Bulldogs. While most of our brackets had pegged them to lose anyway, we were all secretly rooting for the Bucks to prove us wrong. Here’s a few things that are definitely longer than Ohio State basketball’s March Madness run.
6.) The original Afroduck’s penis:
Not to be bagging on (the late) original Afroduck’s memory, but he was a duck, and therefore, we’re going to make assumptions about the length of his donger in this particular situation—to be fair, we’re guessing he was the biggest out of all the ducks in Mirror Lake, and that he was obviously a fuck boy with a surprisingly good personality. With this being said, we are definitely confident in claiming that Afroduck’s penis is longer than Ohio State’s run in March Madness.
5.) The line to get food at Morrill Traditions:
No one wants to eat here, so there really is no waiting time here. And even this is longer than our basketball team’s time of being in a bracket!
4.) The time it takes an Ag kid to bus to Ag campus:
Yeah, you get on the CLS to maybe go one stop, two stops max because you’re a lazy fuck, but the Ag kids actually ~need~ the bus. When you get off at your stop, the troopers we call Ag campus kids stay on the bus going who-knows-where-for-who-knows-how-long. We’re guessing you’ve never actually been to Ag campus (we sure haven’t) and have no desire to visit, but we’re guessing it’s like a bajillion hours away, at the minimum. That bus ride has to be longer than the three days Ohio State was actually participating in March Madness.
3.) The amount of toilet paper measured in inches in Midway’s bathrooms:
If there’s any left at all, there may be like a square or two left of one-ply, if you’re lucky. Despite this very true fact, it’s longer than the amount of time your bracket was a successful one since you’re dedicated to your school and pegged them to win at least two games (minus Virginia—everyone was fucked for that).
2.) The time it takes for you to vomit after finishing your second Schooner:
One Schooner is enough, but if you’re ballsy enough to have two, there’s only a matter of time before you vom all over yourself and try and play it off as ha-ha-casual when really there’s Sex on the Beach all over your shirt. Bro, that’s a lot of liquid.
1.) Danny DeVito:
Danny DeVito is 4’11” tall. If you measured him while he was taking a nap, he would be 4’11” long, which is longer than our basketball team’s time shooting hoops. If you want to disclaim this, we’re sure you could take the width of Danny DeVito and it would also be longer than our stint in March Madness.
You may have to convert some of these metrics back into a time element to truly determine if it succeeds our stint in March Madness, but we’re gonna go out on a limb and just say it is. It was fun while it lasted, boys, and we’re proud of you guys nevertheless.