Jim Harbaugh’s rapid climb to the top had him feeling pretty great, especially coming off an epic recruiting season that culminated in an orgy of Michigan alums like sexyman Derek Jeter and sexyman Tom Brady and sexyman Harboner looking at himself in a mirror.
But all good things come to an end. Such is the case when the NCAA ruled that, in light of the state of Michigan’s recent and potentially-purposeful neglect to change the language in an animal cruelty bill that outlaws sodomy, University of Michigan football practices would be against state law, and thus in violation of the NCAA laws as well.
“Well, this is a setback,” Coach Harbaugh told the media on Wednesday. “Listen, our practices have come a long way since Coach Hoke. We approach every practice with enthusiasm unknown to mankind, we lift weights, we meditate and envision success on and off the football field, and then we all strip down and fuck each other in the asses. It’s just what we do, what we’ve always done, and I think it’s a key to our success.”
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When asked if the coach thought having to change his perfected practice system would be detrimental to his success in 2016, the coach was unfazed. “Of course it would. Ya’ know the moment you ruffle the feathers of the SEC and the NCAA people start to look for ways to bring you down. But our guys getting oiled up in the showers and burying themselves deep inside each others’ assholes — quarterback in lineman, kicker in defensive end — is something we’ve done for generations here at Michigan and we’re not going to stop. Tom Brady — did you know he almost transferred to California? Well, he might have and wouldn’t be the legend he is today if during Michigan practices he wasn’t able to dive his dick four inches into Steve Hutchinson’s dirtstar.”
A member of the press broke a prolonged silence, asking why anal sex is something Michigan football considers a tradition. “It’s just what we do? Ok?” Coach Harbaugh asserted, leaning forward in his chair. “Ok? It relieves tension, brings people together. It’s just strong men celebrating each others’ strength, and I have no plans of changing up our celebrated and meticulous practice system for some antiquated law dribbled up by stubborn Republicans.
“It works perfectly, actually,” the coach continued, settling back. “I’d been planning on moving practices around to different states to recruit high school players. So now it looks like that’ll be the full time plan. No further questions.”
And with that, the head coach of the Michigan Wolverines walked out of the press room. Looks like the Michigan Football circlejerk will only continue, along with their butthole-blasting practices.