Due to a “coincidentally” timed draining of Mirror Lake, the little hope we have held on to as to whether or not the jump will reanimate itself has finally died as surely as that kid last year. The game is over; we’ll have to try to beat Michigan this year without all getting yeast infections. To help pacify your aching wound, we at The Black Sheep have written a fine bit of Mirror Lake Jump fan fiction that’s sure to get you hyped for the game.
The putrid smell curls itself delicately around my nostrils, lightly arousing my over-hyped frat boy penis. I can hear the brown water lapping, lapping, lapping against the rocky shore. The cheers of drunks echo in my ears, bringing me fully into the moment. The smell of cheap beer that resonates up from the damp freshman pushing past me brings me to full arousal.
This is the night. It’s not my first time, for I am much more mature than the freshman that have elicited such responses from my khaki pants. This is my third time, and I know exactly what I’m doing, as I do clearly in all situations where women are around.
The night is calling my name. Perhaps it’s the jungle juice, but I truly believe that the water sloshing gently in the night is crying out for me. “Ryan,” It whispers, pulling me closer, reaching me through the crowd. We lock eyes and I am frozen. “Ryan,” She whispers again, begging me to approach.
I push past people, the feeling of warmth that comes from another person almost invisible to me as I long for the deep chill of the water. They are but obstacles to my one true goal.
I belong here. My existence here at this lake, here with these other people whose hope cannot even equal mine, is vital. I need to do this, as I do every year, so that I can feel the ecstasy of the Buckeye Spirit rolling through my body and the certainty that my actions will bring my sweet boys to victory on this coming Saturday.
There are still too many people in my way. What a challenge! They’re pushing my limits, testing my dedication, challenging me not to jump.
“Ryan!” The lake calls my name harder as I finally reach the edge. The sweet moment is nearly upon me and I almost lose it with anticipation. I am here, ready, finally. The water is within reach. My end is coming.
I close my eyes and brace myself, then leap forward into pure ecstatic release. The smooth water rubs against my skin as I slide inside, and I cry out in victory to have reached my end. I am engulfed by the feel, the taste, the smell. Everything is complete and right. I am here. I have done this. My team will share in my victory.
Amongst the chaos, I climb out, spent, ready to return to my reality and anticipation the win I have single-handedly cause. I move cautiously into the night, away from the lake, and do not call her the next day.
If that didn’t turn you on… well good. If it did, then find help you nasty ass.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: