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7 Ohio State Resources Nobody Wants to Use Because They’re Stupid

Ohio State is a huge university with a lot of money, and the school prides itself on how much it does for the students. That being said, some of these resources are pretty stupid, and nobody will ever use them because of how useless they are. So, we’ve decided to put these useless Ohio State resources to use to show how useless they are. 

7.) Coca-Cola and Donato’s grants:
OSU is a real slut for some brand sponsorship: first Coca-Cola, now Donato’s? What’s next, Apple? *cough* free iPads for incoming freshmen *cough* But really, who is going to use this grant? Clubs and student groups? It seems like the only one using this grant is your dorky RA who keeps pestering you to come to their Movie Night programs.

6.) Tutor rooms:
These poor TAs don’t get paid enough as is. They have to grade the midterm you just flunked, and they’re being forced to work in noisy, dark, and smelly basements also known as the “tutor rooms.” To make it worse, most students don’t know about them, so it’s lonely too. Well, until it’s finals week and time to review everything, since you skipped class every day. Why waste 30 minutes getting help in here when you can just pay $500 to repeat the course again?

5.) Student Safety Ride Service:
Whether it’s because you’re drunk or it’s -1,000 degrees out, why use the ride service that you pay for with your tuition? Just buy an Uber instead! Don’t ride with someone who works for the university, you can just hop into a sketchy 50-year-old man’s car and hope all goes well! Don’t forget to tip him!

4.) The RPAC:
The RPAC is just a gym, and we already have plenty of those on campus. Why do we need all these gyms when campus is so big to walk around? Why do we even need the RPAC anyway? It’s not like the RPAC offers financial counseling, discounted condoms, or free fitness classes. It’s just another useless gym.

3.) Wilce Student Health Center:
Are you feeling under the weather? Don’t make an appointment and see an actual doctor. Just ask your roommate who was pre-med (but is now in finance) to diagnose you. When they give you a very accurate diagnosis, make the trek up to CVS and pay $20 for a bottle of NyQuil. You’ll be feeling better in no time.

2.) The Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life:
If anyone was using this before, they certainly aren’t using it now. Sorry, boys.

1.) Meal plans:
Why use your overpriced meal plan that your parents got you, when you can just go to High Street and eat some fast food? It’s most likely not healthier, but it sure is tastier. Campus food sucks anyway. There’s practically no variety and it’s all way overpriced. Not like that $9 Chipotle burrito.

Ohio State could take away these resources and the students would never notice, because they’re stupid. Maybe OSU could do something useful with the money they save, like build a clock tower or give Brutus a raise.

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