Since stupid Penn State gave Ohio State a run for its money last weekend, we’re all hoping and praying that this weekend against Indiana goes more smoothly. Considering the fact that Ohio corn is totally better than Indiana corn, we at The Black Sheep are pretty sure that that automatically makes us better at football too. Right? Let’s look at the facts.
Point: According to statistics, Ohio corn tends to have a 47% higher kernel count than Indiana corn.
What does this have to do with football? Everything. A higher kernel count makes Ohio corn “heavier,” and therefore, gives our growing boys an arm workout when they eat it right off the cob on warm summer nights. This leads to increased arm strength in Ohio boys and, therefore, longer throws from big muscled quarterbacks.
Counterpoint: A less impressive kernel count reduces the likelihood of eating it off the cob, which allows corn eaters to develop their precision skill set with spoon control.
Because Indiana boys are pussies and are forced to have their mommy cut the corn off the cob and onto their plate, they use spoons to get smaller portions at a time. While real men eat it straight off the cob, Indiana boys learned the art of precision in getting every kernel on their spoon. This precision gives them a higher amount of control and accuracy come game time.
Point: Ohio corn stalks are, on average, 0.85 feet shorter than Indiana corn stalks…
…meaning that Ohioans have a higher chance of being taller than their state’s corn stalks. With this in mind, Ohio boys are used to feeling bigger than everybody—including Ohio corn stalks—which gets them feeling cocky. This cockiness, which is one of Ohio State’s founding values, makes a special appearance on the field and within every single Buckeye fan.
Counterpoint: Being shorter than your state’s corn stalks can make you less intimated over time, and forces you to adopt other strategies besides just size.
While Hoosiers are used to feeling like shorties compared to their own corn stalks, it’s made them realize that they can face whatever opponent is thrown at them. They don’t get intimidated when they see a corn stalk that’s taller than them; even though the corn stalk is bigger than them, they know that they are smarter. Indiana’s mind over body mindset transcends their conflict with their corn stalks and onto the field.
Point: Based on thousands of focus groups with farmers and scientists, Ohio corn stalks are five times more likely to be used in a family fun corn maize than Indiana corn, simply because they are better.
This research tells a lot. Ohio boys literally grew up running through corn mazes, going left, going right, and sometimes body slamming right into the corn stalks if they weren’t paying attention to where they were going. This built character and taught them the basics of the game that would eventually get them into college to not play school.
Counterpoint: A lack of family fun corn mazes implies the lack of a family, and the lack of a family means that Indiana boys had to find love and encouragement through football.
While Ohio boys are raised with plenty of family fun corn mazes with their families, Indiana boys had to fill that void with something else, and that something happened to be football. Ohio boys were forced to split their time between family dinners, father-son fishing trips, Florida vacations, and then football. All Indiana had was football, so they’re probably at least halfway decent, right?
Even though Ohio State recruits most of their players from Texas anyway, it’s the Ohio corn that’s the reason for our football success. So next time you run into a corn stalk, pay it forward and thank them for their service.
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