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Report: Cleveland Browns Owners Buy Only Professional Ohio Team That Actually Wins

The owners of the Cleveland Browns, Dee and Jimmy Haslam, have finally purchased a team that actually wins: the Columbus Crew. 

Motivation behind the Browns’ owners’ decision to save the Crew has been speculated to be because of the Browns’ super successful season so far with two whole wins and, like, a really close tie. The Haslams were reported of saying that they wanted to “pay it forward” after all of the success that has been coming their way.

“Once we got that first W this season, the first one since 2016 to be specific, we knew we had to celebrate in a big way,” Dee Haslam said. “The obvious decision was to buy another successful, Ohio-based team to complement the sportsmanship and competitive drive that the Browns so capture.”

“We really didn’t want the moment to pass,” added Jim Haslam. “Who knows the next time we’d win again, so we knew we had to jump on this quick.”

However, after further investigation into the reasoning for the purchase, The Black Sheep came across records pointing to the conclusion that, with the purchase of the Crew, many investors expect the soccer players will commute to Cleveland to play football, too.

“Futbol, football – it’s all the same really,” said Dee Haslam. “As long as they get the job done, an athlete is an athlete in my opinion.”

Further speculation suggests that some of the Browns’ investors are pulling for the unity of one large team, called the Ohio Crowns, a combination of the two teams’ mascots.

“It’s aggressive, it’s masculine, it’s exactly what we need for one big super team to take on the NFL,” said Jimmy Haslam. “And, the MLS, of course. It’s called the MLS, right?”

A schedule for the upcoming season has reports of the Columbus Crew playing for the Cleveland Browns, but none of the Browns players playing for the Crew.

“No, no, we definitely can’t risk that [the Browns playing for the Crew],” one of the investors commented. “They can barely play one sport, and they were drafted for that.”

“We’re trying to better the team, not make it worse,” added Jim Haslam.

While many are finally breathing a sigh of relief now that the Crew has been saved, the Crew players themselves will now have to cope with the fact that they are actually associated with the Browns, which is a hardship in itself.

“At first I was really excited, but then I was kinda like…oh,” Justin Meram said, pushing aside all of the Browns gear that came with the new Crew ownership. “It’s just gonna take a long time for it to soak in that I’m a Brown now. God, that doesn’t even sound appealing.”

Now that two of the three C’s of Ohio have joined forces in the world of athletics, will the Haslams soon add a Cincinnati sports team to the mix, like the Reds?

“Oh, no fucking way,” the Haslams said in a joint statement. “We heard the Reds sucked this year.”

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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