Thanks to the generosity and enormous ego of Ohio State alumni, Tom W. Davis, North Campus has a new addition: the Tom W. Davis clock tower. If you haven’t yet seen this bright, phallic monument, you’re not missing much. In addition to the analog clock, the building also has a large screen brighter than your future. Mostly, the clock just shows announcements relating to Ohio State, yet there are some additions that we wish good ol’ Davis would put up on the clock tower.
There are ads up on the clock tower screen telling any and all students to work at Scott Dining Hall, but we don’t need more employees serving up rubbery eggs and burnt chicken. What the students at Ohio State really needs is a meter to show how full Scott Traditions really is. After all, nothing is worse than getting a heaping plate of mac n’ cheese and then walking around the dining hall looking for a table. By the time you actually find one, your dinner is colder than when you got it. With a Scott-o-Meter, you’ll always know the perfect times to get your grub on.
6.) Brutus tracker:
Do you even go to Ohio State if you don’t have a picture with Brutus? Ohio State should broadcast our nutty mascot’s location on the big screen. So, instead of going to class, you can hunt down Brutus and get the perfect picture for your VSCO. It’s not at all creepy—Brutus loves his fans!
Let’s face it, the clock tower is really phallic looking. It’s tall, and somewhat pointy. What horny freshman would look at this great monument and not want to rub one out for Tom W. Davis? Besides, it’s not like they’re having any luck on Tinder or at the bars. To help the freshmen with their… task…why not show a little action on the screen? It doesn’t even have to be up during the day, maybe just a little bit after 10 p.m.
4.) Celeste Lab cams:
Freshmen come into Ohio State bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to take on their pre-med major. However, their dreams are quickly shattered as they enter Chemistry 1210, the class where pre-med dreams die. For upperclassmen’s enjoyment, cameras would be installed in Celeste Lab, and the feed would direct to the clock tower screen, where passersby could laugh at Ohio State’s best and brightest class as they fail their first chemistry lab. It’s better than reality TV!
3.) Ohio State’s greatest hits:
Ohio State football has its ups and downs, and after last weekend, it’s clear that campus could use an upper. Why not show football highlights from games that we won on the big screen? It’ll be like we’re still going to the playoffs.
2.) Selfie lighting:
The clock tower screen is brighter than a sorority girl’s teeth the day before semi-formal (blinding). Why not make that LED screen of use, and put up some flattering lighting for the perfect ‘gram? Don’t crouch by your tiny window to take a cute snapchat for Brad—just use the gift that Tom gave ya! Freshmen will no longer crowd in groups of 30 to take pictures in the dorm hallways, and will instead just take pictures under the clock tower. You’ll be Instagram famous in no time.
1.) Subtitles for the Woodruff Crosswalk:
We all hear that the walk sign is on to cross Woodruff, and we can see the walk symbol on the crosswalk, but what about reading that the walk sign is on? With a large screen just yards away from the most famous crosswalk on campus, why not flash the message that reads, “The walk sign is on to cross Woodruff” multiple times a second? So what if kids have seizures because of it? It’s well worth it for the pedestrian’s safety.
Even if these ideas don’t appear on the big screen, at least we can all rely on the clock tower to actually tell us the time.
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