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5 Ways to Survive OSU’s Campus When Your Friends Leave After Finals

Finals week is approaching fast, but the trend seems to be either early or online exams this semester. For those staying long-after your friends leave, we’ve come up with a survival guide that’ll hopefully keep you distracted enough that you won’t cry yourself to sleep every night.

5.) Drown your sorrows at Bull’s:
Bull’s is one of the few places where you can simultaneously stuff your face with pizza while drowning in bombs after bombs. Once you’re completely shitfaced, you can make your way to the (mostly) empty dance floor where there is bound to be someone who will sleep with you out of pity. Your friends may not be there to cheer you on, but they’re sure to be jealous when they hear you got laid while they were sleeping next door to their parents.

4.) Streak through the Oval:
If you remember back to your college tour (when you were deciding which school was worth student debt), you might recall the tour guide’s story of the long walk. They told you that if a couple can walk from one side of the Oval to the other, without anyone crossing their path, the two are meant to be together. The real legend, though, is that if one person can run naked from one side of the Oval to the other, without being caught by authorities, they’ll win life. Less people on campus means less people to patrol and your odds of getting caught aren’t as high. Shoot your shot before 2k17 is over.

3.) Meditate at the Clock Tower:
It’s about damn time the Clock Tower came in handy. Take a night to yourself for meditating under its somewhat blinding, yet soothing, lighting. Turn on your favorite Spotify ocean sounds channel, throw on your best yoga pants, and attempt to twist your body into weird shapes underneath the Clock Tower. You’ll prove to Tom W. Davis that clock towers, like his rock climbing center, can benefit students’ health as well as prove to your M.I.A. friends that you DON’T need them.

2.) Get on Tinder:
There’s no better way to pass the time than swiping through Tinder. You can practice your terrible pickup lines to see which ones are most effective and make new, REAL friends who are staying on campus like you. With all of your hot friends back at home already there will be more options for you, and maybe you’ll even get lucky with someone who looks nothing in person like they do on their profile. At least you’ll be able to make it seem like you slept with someone attractive based on the pictures you show your “friends” who abandoned you on campus.

1.) “Literally dying”:
We know this is a survival guide, but nobody wants to be on campus when all of their friends are home and spending time with family. If hours of studying and taking finals don’t break your spirit, the loneliness will. There’s no shame in taking the easy way out, lying down in your bed, pulling the blankets over your head and spending the rest of finals week “literally dying.”

So, instead of sulking around and studying for finals when all of your friends leave for winter break, take some time and try out some of these (slightly dangerous) new activities. We’re sure they’re better than your friends back home who are bumping into people they went to high school with at the mall.

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast with Twitter’s @Rad_Milk!

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