This past Sunday, the world’s most glamorous circle jerk (also known as Awards Season) finally came to an end. After six hours of famous people taking pics in clothes designed by other famous people, awards will be handed to the same five famous people that always win. As research has shown, the amount of people who give a shit about awards shows has decreased exponentially in the last few years. Until now. Here at The Black Sheep we’ve decided to get in on the fun and try not to ruin it like we usually do. So we nixed the Red Carpet for a few more hours of pregaming and decided to hand out awards for shit that actually matters. So ladies and gentleman, here they are. Your first annual BS Awards.
Best Visual Effects:
Nominees: Girl Who Wears Makeup To The Gym; North Campus Construction; President Drake
Winner: North Campus Construction.
While President Drake deserves an honorable mention for his work as “Cyborg Masquerading as College President,” the BS Award goes to the “North Residential District Transformation” whose visual effect skills have managed to convince an entire incoming freshman class that what is now a giant pile of rubble and garbage will one day be their home.
Best Actor in a Supporting Role:
Nominees: Anthony Schlegel, Jimmy John’s Delivery, Your Uber Driver
Winner: Anthony Schlegel
Wow, this category is stacked! However, Schlegel takes home the BS Award for his stellar performance in the OSU vs. Cincy game. No one will soon forget the moment the Buckeye’s strength and conditioning coach took to the field to protect his team from a drunk dude wearing a visor. Despite the razor sharpness of the visor’s front edge, and the unpredictability of the dude’s movements due to his inebriation, Schlegel took to the field guns a-blazing to neutralize the threat. And boy, did he neutralize the fuck outta that dude.
Nominees: The SEL basement, Your Dorm Room, The Bathrooms at Midway
Winner: (tie) Your Dorm Room, The Bathrooms at Midway.
It was impossible to pick between the original lighting techniques used in either venue. While the incredible dimness of your dorm’s single ceiling light perfectly encapsulates the hopelessness of human existence, the blinding lights of Midway’s first floor bathroom makes you feel like you’ve just stepped into the bright lights of heaven… or an interrogation room! We just couldn’t choose between the two.
Nominees: Anything Played in a Frat Basement, The Rando’s That Play the Piano at the Union, The Too’s Singer, The Guy Who Raps Outside of Midway/Chipotle
Winner: The Guy Who Raps Outside of Midway/Chipotle
The competition was steep in this category, with seasoned veterans like the Too’s singer and “Anything Played in a Frat Basement” leading the pack. However, when “The Guy Who Raps” appeared on the scene early this year, he took High Street by storm. With freestyles that range in topic from your ass to your roommate’s ass, “Guy Who Raps Outside Midway/Chipotle” is known to spit fire no matter the hour. Fingers crossed we can get a Kickstarter going to fund his next mixtape.
Nominees: President Drake, Doctor J., Bob Gribben, The Mirror Lake Fences, Urban Meyer, Jon Waters
Winner: The Mirror Lake Fences
Yeah, Urban Meyer probably should have taken home this one. But hey, someone’s always got to get screwed over at these things (pour one out for Leonard Dicaprio).
Congratulations to all of our winners! The after party will be held at Formaggio’s where the losers will be buying us all booms.