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United We Stand: Sexiled Roommates Seen Congregating In Tunnels Beneath The Oval Construction

The raise in sexual activity on campus has sexiled more roommates than ever before in Ohio State’s history, leaving hundreds of freshman and sophomores left without a bed at night, but freshman David Wallace may have found a solution: the Oval tunnels. 

“I was wandering around campus at 3 a.m., wondering where I could go other than Buckeye Donuts for the fifth time this week,” Wallace said. “I walked on to the Oval and was hit with a stroke of genius.”

Due to high stress levels and sheer boredom, the number of students banging has increased significantly the sixth week in the semester, but Wallace has found the solution for sexiled roommates in the exposed tunnels that are currently under construction on the Oval. 

“I pimped these bitches out,” Wallace said. “We’ve got bean bags, we’ve got Natty, we’ve got that one poster with all the painted butts on it. What the hell else would you need in the middle of the night when you get kicked out of your own room?”

Just days after Wallace found his own underground getaway, another student thought to seek solace in the Oval tunnels.

“My slut of a roommate can’t stop boning Ken from down the hall,”said sophomore Holly Berry. “He literally has his own room. But she refuses to ever do the ‘walk of shame,’ so now I’m sleeping in a tunnel.”

Berry stumbled across Wallace late one weeknight after Berry’s “slut of a roommate” politely asked her to vacate the premise at 1:30 a.m. on a Tuesday.

“I was half asleep when she told me to get out. I couldn’t even grab a pair of shoes before she shoved me outside,” Berry said, while gesturing to her bare feet.

Wallace and Berry are not the only sexless kids occupying the tunnels, however. The record number of kids in one night is 30, Wallace said.

That many hormones in one dark and damp space has begun leading to more issues.

“Yeah, one night, after my roommate had kicked me out already, I had to kick two kids out because I wanted to pipe Holly up,” Wallace said. “I’m sure they understood. You gotta have sex when you can, y’know?”

After further questioning, it was apparent that Wallace did not see the irony of this situation, but remains steadfast in welcoming others who have been sexiled around campus.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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