In a shocking upset, Ohio State beat Ohio State at the spring game on Saturday.
“I just don’t know what happened with our Scarlet team,” said head coach Urban Meyer after the game. “They looked like absolute shit. I’m not even sure how the guys made it on the team.”
Meyer was simultaneously incredibly happy with the outcome of the game for the Gray team.
“I was a little worried about my boys in the beginning, but they really bounced back after halftime,” Meyer said proudly. “I knew they would win and get that W they so deserve.”
As expected, Ohio State as a whole lost its mind after the win, re-instilling the winning and holier-than-thou attitude that every Buckeye is bred to attain.
“We fucked them up real bad,” said Kevin Lister, a second-year “pre-med” student. “There was no way those Scarlet Buckeyes were going to win against our Gray Buckeyes. I stick with my team for life.”
Lister later admitted that had the Scarlet Buckeyes beaten the Gray Buckeyes, he would have claimed loyalty to the Scarlet Buckeyes because “Buckeyes for life, man.”
Besides the game itself, the premise of the spring game is simple: it’s a practice scrimmage that Ohio State then sells tickets to for a fake game, which Meyer acknowledged.
“Honestly, the spring game is just a reason for us to make even more money off of the fans,” Meyer said. “So I wasn’t even looking at how the kids were playing.”
The fans didn’t seem to notice the game, either. Buddy Light, third-year in finance and beer bong, and brother of Alpha Sigwa Sigha, spoke up about his thoughts on the spring game.
“If I’m allowed to be real with you guys, I didn’t even know the actual game was real. I thought it was just another excuse to have block,” Light said, while double fisting two Loko’s (let it be noted that this interview was conducted before noon). “The IFC can’t hold us down, bros.”
Many students agree with Light. Since the International Fraternity Council shut down all Greek Life at the end of the 2017-2018 football season, this year’s spring game was monumental for fraternities at Ohio State.
“We absolutely loaded up this year,” Light said. “We’ve been getting Natty delivered by the truck-full for four weeks now.”
Meyer knows that the spring game is a huge opportunity for fans to go wild for the day. He said he even snuck in a “surprise” during the game.
“We had Brutus streak naked through the middle of the field and didn’t get one complaint,” Meyer said. “He was wearing the head and nothing else. Either nobody noticed. That, or nobody cared.”
At this year’s game, only 40 adults passed out at the game, and only 80 threw up, exceeding last year’s total. Hopefully, this bodes well for another successful season.