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USG OSU Candidate Promises Wall to Keep Out ‘Shithole Michigan’

Tom Crump, a second-year in finance and “debauchery,” announced his candidacy for Undergraduate Student Government president late last week. Crump’s campaign is based entirely on his idea of building a wall around campus to keep out “those f***** Michiganders from their shithole state.”

“I decided to run for president of USG at OSU because I see Ohio State heading in a direction that does not reflect well on our great state,” Crump said on the Oval, with absolutely no one paying attention. “I have decided to build a wall around campus, and I will force University of Michigan to increase tuition to pay for it!”

Crump has received mixed feedback on his proposal. Some students believe that Michiganders have no right to come to Ohio State, and others have been telling Crump to “calm the hell down.”

Hailey Grafton, a third-year studying political science and women’s gender and sexuality studies, is very concerned with the direction that Crump’s campaign is taking.

“This guy isn’t nearly as qualified as I am, and I’m not even running,” Grafton said. “If I were running, I’d probably announce my candidacy through a really hip and relatable video though. Not that I think about this or anything.”

Crump’s plan entails walling Ohio State’s campus in, using the Olentangy River as one side of the enclosure to serve as a moat. Then, it would cut back up to ensure that the “monumental” Kroghetto on South Campus is included and eventually turn onto Summit Street so that “even the furthest students have a chance at education.” Finally, it would cut back down to the river a block after Cazuela’s on North Campus.

“I wanted to make sure that all of the best parts of campus were walled in because I don’t want outsiders having access to all of the great parts of Ohio State,” Crump said. “If you’re not a student, you don’t deserve to know the glory of Bullwinkle’s, or the joy a schooner from Chumley’s can bring, especially if you’re from that state up north.”

According to Ohio State officials, this “absolutely will not happen.”

Frankly, no one can quite tell whether or not Crump is joking, but regardless, the administration on campus is willing to find out just how far Crump will take this.

“I don’t understand why people are taking this guy seriously and why no one is actually looking to the qualified candidates,” Grafton said. “I’m like halfway done with my political science classes — I’m totally ready to lead the student government!”

If elected, Crump plans on building the wall “soon,” adding to the construction on campus. Ask yourselves: just how badly do you want to make Ohio State great again?

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