It’s Xichigan week, Buckeyes. There are some ridiculous mascots out there, with Xichigan’s Wolverine being the lamest of all. Everyone gives Ohio State shit for having a nut as a mascot, but Brutus is pretty damn great. Here are a few Ohio mascots that could definitely beat up a Wolverine if you baited them into a cage fight.
6.) Xavier University – The Blue Blob:
He looks like a hybrid between Grover and Elmo from Sesame Street and was designed so that younger Xavier fans weren’t scared of the mascot at basketball games. The Blue Blob also had an appearance in Playboy. Yet, the Blue Blob could beat a Wolverine any day. His thick fur would protect him against any scratching or biting, and his sheer size could squash any skunk bear. Even this pathetic blue mop could scare the shit out of a Wolverine.
5.) University of Toledo – Rocky and Rocksy the Rockettes:
The names “Rocky” and “Rocksy” are almost as stupid as a Wolverine itself. Are they brother and sister? Or are they married? Either way, the mascots aren’t creative. Well, they’re not as bad as picking a stupid badger for your mascot. This duo would still beat a Wolverine any day by using their jet packs and calling NASA or something. After all, they are Rockettes.
4.) University of Dayton – Rudy Flyer:
Rudy looks like a juiced-up frat bro (perhaps Ohio State’s second mascot), but he would still kick a Wolverine’s ass any day. Rudy’s pretty badass and has some mean flying skills. Rudy could punch a Wolverine right in the goddamn face with his meaty fists, and then fly a plane to The Big House to take on the offensive line himself.
3.) Ohio Wesleyan University – Battling Bishop:
There are a million other religious mascots that would be scarier than this guy. He just looks depressed, probably because nobody has even heard of Ohio Wesleyan—wherever that is. Once the Bishop steps into the cage, a Wolverine would just take pity on the poor guy and let him win at something, for once.
2.) University of Akron – Zippy the Kangaroo:
Is this Akron or Australia? Why is a Kangaroo the mascot for an Ohio school? There aren’t kangaroos in this country, or even this continent. A cage match between these two would be interesting however, as a Kangaroo is basically a large possum, and a Wolverine is just a big pussy. These two would be the most evenly matched, but Zippy could come out on top, despite the Wolverine’s home field advantage.
1.) Cincinnati State – The Surge:
Cincinnati State is a community college, so they’re allowed some leeway when it comes to mascots. However, what the hell is a Surge? At least a Wolverine is a real creature. Is a Surge like lightning? Or electricity? Either way, this thing probably haunts kids’ nightmares. Whatever the hell a Surge is, it could beat the shit out of a Wolverine.
These mascots suck, but Xichigan’s sucks harder. Any of these wimpy mascots could easily dominate a Wolverine in a cage match. However, if you threw Brutus in that ring, it would be no contest. Actually, Brutus could probably beat up any of the guys on this list, too.
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