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What to Do When You’re Not Rushing At OSU

If you’re reading this article, chances are you’re the kind of person that can make friends for free and you won’t be joining in the festivities for Ohio State’s oddly-timed Rush Week. You have a whole social life set up, you and all of your real friends. We would dare to call them family, but at such a delicate time is would be rude to use ‘Brothers’ and ‘Sisters’ for friends not bound to you by obligation. However, you may find yourself especially surrounded by empty rooms as some of your associates do go forth to Rush into their newest debt-builder, and for that we have come up with a bunch of great things to do with yourself in the meantime:


5) Go to the Gym Like You Thought You Were Going To:
Since our Rush Week takes place in Spring Semester, you’re in a special position to be able to use all of your alone time for achieving the resolutions that you sort of “forgot” about from January 3rd forth. Don’t worry, how can you be lonely when the constant voice of your unfit muscles crying for relief is echoing in your ears?


4) Pester People on the Oval into Being Your New Friends:
If they’re out during Rush hours, they’re fair game to be accosted by your eager creepiness in your hunt to find new friends. They’re not Rushing, you’re not Rushing, what more evidence do you need to prove that the two of you have an instant bond? It’s not like the people Rushing are finding more solid bases for friendship.


3) Hit the Big Three:
Sex, drugs, and alcohol, baby. Preferably all at the same time. Since all of the frat boys have gone off to haze each other in non-evidence-leaving ways, you won’t have to deal with them when you go out on the prowl. Maybe you’ll pick up a cool guy…or a social loner who wasn’t friendly enough for Greek life.


2) Sacrifice Goats to Lord Meyer:
Can’t afford to join a trendy cult? Start a real cult in the name of Ohio State! What better idol to worship than our dear Father, Daddy Urban? What savior of OSU so deserves our unending praise and the dedication of a dripping goat corpse? If you can’t join them, beat them at their own game.


1.) Masturbate to OSU Football Reruns:
Maybe you couldn’t find anyone on your prowl, maybe you’re just finishing up after they’re gone. Either way, as a Buckeye you have no choice but to get off when watching those sweaty boys in scarlet playing with their balls. This sesh is sure to bring you closer to the collective buckeye spirit and you’ll almost be able to get the same feeling of belonging as the Rushers think they’ve found.


However you decide to fill the time when everyone is Rushing is up to you, but make sure to use that alone time for good so that you never forget you’ve made the right decision.


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