It’s the end of an era. No more pay phones, no more serial killers, and certainly no more germ-infested analogue keypads! Regardless of how dangerous our campus has become, these big blue dicks that litter OU’s grounds are absolutely useless. SO useless, in fact, that the city council of Baby Boomers With Opinions have deemed them too expensive to maintain! But what if we miss these phallic radiators of nostalgia? These erections of days long past? Here are a few ideas The Black Sheep has brainstormed that may save the university some demolition fees:
Introducing the Big Blue Drive Thru! On your way back from class and want some freaky fast delivery as soon as you’ve reached your dorm? That sandwich is just a few keystrokes away! Just select your restaurant of choice, push the big red button (formerly the emergency 911 dialer), and speak your order into the microphone. Easy peasy. Just make sure nobody’s lurking behind you as you shout your home address into the receiver at 2:30 in the morning…
How about a different kind of campus security? We’re all extremely familiar with the sounds of fire alarms that ceaselessly sing throughout our cozy mountain campus, so why not make those sensors even more abundant? What if the soccer field spontaneously bursts into flames? Nearly anything could catch fire. We’re just thinking logically. Make it happen, Athens! We need more fire alarms!
People still play Pokémon Go, right? Ok, hear me out – every emergency phone is now… a “Poké-stop”! So nobody plays this game anymore? Oh. Alright. No, it’s fine.
What if we were to combine all the phones’ scrap metal to create one huge beacon to RULE THEM ALL. Maybe the tower could produce a super low frequency drone that would make all crime-doers shit themselves! Oh, and there could be this really old wizard guy that, like, is the tower’s magic servant or something. I just think this would be super neat-o.
Whatever happens to the “Code Blue” phones, I hope that they are put to good use. To everyone who has to walk home alone at night, keep your phones charged, because these blue bitches are outtie. Good luck and stay safe!
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