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7 Hells of Bainbridge, Ohio

Bainbridge, Ohio is a small town outside of Cleveland. Oh, the town where the “famous” lion tamer Clyde Beatty was born and raised? Nope, that’s the
other Bainbridge, Ohio. No one knows this small suburb, nor should they — and here’s why.

7.) The shitty selection of restaurants:

As college students, both Chipotle and Starbucks have become staples of our weekly diets, with bistro boxes and burritos becoming basic necessities for survival. Bainbridge has neither, but we do have two Subways. If that doesn’t sum up the essence of Bainbridge, we don’t know what does.

6.) The snow:

If you love warm weather, don’t come to Bainbridge. If you love a beautiful snowy winterland, don’t come to Bainbridge. If you love thick clouds, a gray sky, and a piss-colored mixture of mud and lake-effect snow that layers the ground from September through April– then Bainbridge, Ohio is the place for you.

5.) We don’t even have a bridge:

Yes, Bainbridge is devoid of bridges. The Snapchat geofilter is a clip-art-quality interpretation of a big yellow bridge. However, this bridge– our town’s “namesake”– is virtually nonexistent. Unless you count the highway that passes over one of our minor intersections, our town is completely grounded in the most literal sense of the word.

4.) Even McDonald’s closes by 11p.m.:

Bainbridge is a town for suburban moms and Toyota Siennas, meaning, the nightlife is fictional at best. If you’re on the same schedule as we are, your day is barely starting by 4 p.m. while a Bainbridge day is already on its way to a close. The only candidate for late-night food is the Steak-N-Shake one town over.

3.) That means the late-night hangout spot is Giant Eagle:

Yes, you heard us. Giant Eagle. As in the local grocery store.

2.) Yoder Toter:

“Uber” is a foreign word in Bainbridge. We’re still stuck with the antiquated art of DD-ing every time we’re trying to party. But if you’re desperate for a ride, you can always try the big white van that carts around the Amish cleaning ladies every Tuesday and Thursday.

1.) ”Well, do you know where Chagrin Falls is?”:

Never have we met someone who knows where Bainbridge is. Sure, some have faked it just to move the conversation along, but it’s always pretty easy to tell. We have to identify ourselves by our much better known (and snottier) neighboring town.

If Bainbridge were a girl, she’d be that one four going out with a group of tens. While she might be bland, nothing special in bed, and look a bit too much like a soccer mom for you, she’s got a nice homey feeling to her that keeps you coming back.

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