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To Athens Coffee Shops: I Drank Starbucks And It’s My Daddy Now, I’m Sorry

Dear Athens coffee shops,

You all warned me. Laptop stickers at Donkey Coffee and OU Twitter warned me: “SAY NO TO CORPORATE COFFEE.”

But I said yes.

Seduced by the Green Mermaid’s siren song, I began sipping sweet sin, and couldn’t stop. My days of believing I have self control are over. I have made my own bed; a bed I can’t sleep in, because I have the jitters.

Starbucks is my daddy now, and no one can help me. Instead of going to class, I’m there…typing the next great American novel. My diet consists of overpriced microwaved paninis, and whipped cream. I told my girlfriend we were going to spend a romantic night under the stars, but what I really meant was sleeping underneath the Starbucks’ sign waiting for it to open… she dumped me the next morning. Life is pure terror.

I have swam in the sea of venti mocha lattes, double shot, extra cream, and now I’m drowning in it.

So, here it is, my apology. It may be too late, but it needs to be said. To Donkey, Brenen’s, Court Street, Fluff, Whit’s, Union Street Diner, and all Athens’ coffee: I have failed you, and for that, I am sorry. If the corporate machine didn’t turn me into a heartless robot, I’d cry. You still have socially conscious professors, and people with septum piercings, so maybe I’m a fool for thinking you’d miss me, but I sure do miss you.

Just know I’m thinking of you while sipping her.

With love and regret,

A Starbuck F*ck

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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