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OU Board Approves Plan to Fill The Ridges with ‘Younger, Hotter Ghosts’

Ohio University’s Board of Trustees approved a plan last week to spend $15 million on renovations to the Ridges in an attempt to renew interest in the former asylum.

According to Pam Callahan, a member of the Ridges Advisory Committee, the bulk of this funding will go toward revamping the haunted buildings’ ghostly population.

“Back in the 70s and 80s, people used to sneak up here all the time to see all the cool, sexy ghosts,” Callahan said. “But over the years, the ghosts have really started to let themselves go, and now people just come in here so they can get spooky pictures of empty hallways to post on their Instagrams. It’s time to bring in some fresh talent.”

While many of the current ghosts at the Ridges died hundreds of years ago, often in fairly boring, old-timey ways (i.e. tuberculosis, scurvy, and jumping out of an insane asylum window, to name a few), the ghosts that are now being sought out became undead due to modern, edgy circumstances.

But that “fresh ghost ass doesn’t come cheap,” Callahan said.

Some of the hot young ghosts the university is considering as replacements include a man who was run over by a monster truck while streaking to celebrate Bill Clinton’s election; a woman who was so dedicated to planking that she starved to death during the 2010 height of the craze; and a 14-year-old boy who died as a result of the Tide Pod Challenge just last month.

According to a local ghost vendor, who requested to remain anonymous, ghost prices typically are higher for those that were younger when they became ghosts and those that died in unconventional ways.

“For example, ghosts of elderly men who died of heart disease are fairly commonplace and are not considered especially valuable, while the ghosts of little girls who were killed by demons are so rare and expensive that those who purchase them often have to make a multi-million-dollar movie starring the ghost to even begin to offset the cost,” the vendor said. 

Shawna Bolin, Vice President of University Planning, said that a change of scenary is due for buildings that haven’t been updated in decades. 

“We got the original ghosts when we bought the place, sort of like when you buy a house and the previous owners don’t take their appliances with them,” Bolin said. “It’s time for something new. Mama wants a new fridge.”

According to Callahan, acquisition of the new ghosts has not yet been confirmed, but negotiations with ghost vendors across the U.S. began soon after the funding was approved.

It is anticipated that the current ghosts residing in the Ridges will be retired and sent to a ghost farm, where ghosts can run around and catch Frisbees together in wide, grassy ghost fields.

Also, some of the money “might be used to renovate offices or something,” Callahan said. 


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