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How To Use Your ‘Rents As Wingmen To Get Laid During Parents Weekend

Ohio University Parents Weekend is right around the corner, and romance is in the air! Everyone knows how sexy parents are – they’re both 50% of you! How much hotter could you get? Here’s how you can use this raw sexual energy to get laid this Parents Weekend. 

5.) Mentally trick your father into thinking he’s twenty years younger:
They are usually easy targets. Five Coors Lites, and three Bruce Springsteen songs deep, and Dad has fully loosened his New Balance strings. You’re probably at the Skull (Dad Rock central) and Dad’s buying another round on him. In return you’ll have to listen to his stories of the “good ol’ days.” But, people want to have cool in-laws, so it’s a fair trade.

4.) Get smashed with your mom on mimosas, at Saturday brunch in Baker Ballroom:
Parents Weekend is basically an early pregame for Mom’s Weekend, and you get to hear the phrase “momosas” a thousand times. You and Linda will be looking fine as hell–”dressed to the nines, church clothes only!”–so, it won’t just be champagne and juice that drips class. You’ll prove to potential lovers that you love your mom, and you’d be an AMAZING plus-one to any event.

3.) Go to dinner with them and your crush:
No matter how awful or embarrassing, just get it over with. If they can accept this gentic shitshow, they’ll accept anything. Then, if you two do start dating, you don’t have to do the whole “meet the parents” thing again. Or, they could ghost you forever…it’s a toss up.

Bonus: TBH, hide ALL of your baby pics before hand: 
Not going to guarantee you a score, but it’ll definitely help. However, your mom could always just tell the hottie at J Bar about the time you pooped your pants in a McDonald’s PlayPlace. At least they won’t have to look at it.

2.) Make them memorize a script about you:
Really hype yourself up. Nice, smart, handsome/beautiful, captain of all the teams, helps out at home in Westerville, hot and fine as hell, etc. However, if you’re parents actually love you, then they can improvise. God given hype men.

1.) Don’t let someone you want to get freaky with around your mom when she sees your apartment since you moved in:
Unless, they find relentless bitching and rearranging furniture irresistible you picked up off the curb on Mill…

Use these tips, and when Linda and Frank decide to “hit the hay” at 10:30 p.m., you can use your tip to hit up bae. We love you, mom and dad, and no…no grandbabies just yet.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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