It’s block party season, and with this practically-timed alcoholism cover-up comes the unruly crowd of chaotic out-of-towners, white girls that scream “wooooooh!”, and little frat brothers that are juuuuust a few drops away from total liver annihilation. Our fragile town needs some protection against the onslaught of green glass aggressors and van-voyaging vandals! Something who can intimidate the masses into a false sense of oppression, something with big stocky legs and a long majestic mane! That’s it – Athens horse cops! Let’s get to know a few of our furry defenders:
5.) Sarah Jessica Farter:
Don’t let the name fool you, Sarah Jessica Farter is NOT incredibly popular amongst Sex in the City fans! Although she resembles the show’s sleazy protagonist (played by long-faced actress Sarah Jessica Parker), she was named for her amazingly unstable bowels. Sarah suffers from an illness called celiac disease, otherwise known as gluten intolerance. It kinda sucks for a horse since gluten-free hay is, like, SUPER non-existent. Remember: Don’t feed the animals any snacks unless they’ve been certified as organic and gluten free!
4.) The Flaming Vindicator
We know, the name is a little bit menacing! Don’t worry, that was only Jeff being extra when he got to name a horse. He’s not getting that chance again. The Flaming Vindicator, or “Flavor Flav,” as we like to call him, is a sweetie pie. This horse enjoys patrolling the streets with Jeff, happily taking selfies with all the stumbling students he meets.
3.) C**ty McC**t Face:
NOT A FAN OF C**TY. This horse is a little shit. Here’s what one student had to say about her: “She will ruin your goddamn life. I made the mistake of trying to get a picture with her one year, and she ate my ENTIRE feather boa scarf. How am I supposed to be a 20s era flapper without my boa scarf?” Fucking. C**t. Horse. Do not trust her!
2.) Roderick J. McDavis II:
Respectable, distinguished, and HATES bats. Possibly pro travel-ban? This horse has been in the line of duty for a few years now, thus the slightly outdated reference.
1.) Boofus the Clydesdale:
Boofus is…a character. He’s a big hit amongst the students simply because of his funky yet fresh take on crowd control. Boofus, being a Clydesdale, is fucking massive. He’s a big boy that doesn’t quite realize his strength. Five years ago during Halloween, he rolled down Court Street. That’s right…rolled. Two students broke both their legs. It was HILARIOUS. I’m pretty sure it went viral on Vine. He’s dumb as hell, but we love Boofus!
When you’re “doing” Halloween in Athens this year, meet a few of the horses! But stay the HELL away from C**ty McC**t Face.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame: