On Wednesday, The Number Fest released the lineup of the 16th edition of its spring festival, with headliners R.L. Grime and Marshmello taking the stage on April 20 and 21. After googling frantically who those artists were, The Black Sheep staff found out that both are of the EDM variety, a genre of music you absolutely fucking despise. Since you’ll likely follow everyone else who’s buying a $60 ticket, we’ve come up with a guide of how to pretend you like EDM music in time for #Fest in April.
5.) Consult your local EDM expert for advice:
Don’t know where to find them? Those proficient in EDM listening can be most often found standing next to the aux cord at house parties, asking whoever’s phone is hooked up, “Dude, what’s your password?” or “Hey, get ready for this next song.” Nod aggressively when the bass drops, but, at all costs, avoid mentioning “those pop fucks” The Chainsmokers unless you’re prepared to be shown the door.
4.) Board windows and doors to ensure complete privacy during your conversion to liking EDM:
Pretending to like EDM really has gotten intense! To ensure that your conversion to an EDM fan goes smoothly, lock yourself in your room, board your windows and doors to prevent any natural light from seeping in, and turn up your subwoofer all the way to jam out to 24 straight hours of nonstop beat drops. Fuck the haters (and neighbors) who are looking for some peace and quiet. Eat, sleep, rage, repeat, motherfuckers!
3.) Put that computer and a turntable to use:
Sure, you’re a converted EDM head, but you’re still not a huge fan. Using your student loan allowance, it’s time to go out and finally buy that 15-inch Macbook Pro, an Odyssey FZGSPDJ12W 12″ Mixer & 2 Turntables Remixer Glide Style DJ Coffin, and a palette of Red Bull—it’s time to start playing house shows! Words of wisdom for you: It’s not about the size of the beat drop, but how beat drops you can fit into an eight-and-a-half darkcore-dubstep-afrochill remix you’re planning on dropping on your Soundcloud page.
2.) Get into an beef with #Fest headliner, Marshmello, on Twitter:
Sure, you stopped going to class to pursue a semi-professional career as a touring DJ in Southeast Ohio and are now three months behind on your rent, but you still don’t feel totally immersed in this whole “EDM” business. Take to Twitter to trash the person who got you basically convinced you to get into this whole mess, @marshmellomusic. Sample tweet: “If I played #Fest, I turned up so much I’d turn @marshmellomusic into a s’more.” Holy fuck, that’s fire.
1.) Play your set at #Fest:
Jesus Chirst, the whole pretend-to-like-EDM-thing really got out of hand. That “fire” tweet (our words, not yours) got you some recognition from other in the EDM sphere and now you’ve been convinced to open on the Friday of #Fest. Ugh. At this point you can somewhat tolerate EDM, and you really don’t mind playing to hundreds of adoring fans who’ve followed you from your humble beginnings, but, really, it’s just not a great genre of music.
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