It’s Thanksgiving season here in Stillwater, America and you don’t have a place to go to enjoy the stupendous holiday. Either you’re a foreign exchange student or you made a scene last year and your next of kin is traveling to meet another side of the family where you weren’t invited. The Black Sheep has put together a list on the places to avoid eating if you don’t want to look like Droopy the dog cutting an onion.
5.) The Student Union:
Your first thought might be, might as well save money and bursar some union food, this could quite possibly be your worst decision. With the wide-open spaces and limited holiday food options, you’re looking at one sad student sitting amongst a thousand empty tables as they eat the shitty options Baja Fresh has to offer. Sarah McLachlan singing that ASPCA commercial song commonly accompanies this public display of depression.
4.) Coney Island:
You have no one to eat with, you’re sober, and you’ve always wondered what Coney actually tastes like due to the countless times you woke up without knowing you even went to Coney the night before. With the gigantic glass window facing the strip you will undoubtedly feel like an exhibit at the zoo as you eat your calorically dense mountain of cheese with that side of hot dog.
3.) McDonald’s Parking Lot:
This day is about being with people you love, but since you’re pretty much all out of options at this point the closest thing to people would be the McDonald’s drive-through. It’s one thing to be even in the drive-through line itself but you think to yourself I’ve been in my room too much today, why not just listen to Spotify and eat in my car? So you decide to just pull into a spot and eat that Big Mac so you can save time and that mess you will inevitably create in your room.
Thanksgiving is typically seen as a healthy holiday so naturally, Sprouts, with its emphasis on health and new location in Stilly, makes it a viable destination. Hop on down Monroe Street to buy some organic “free roam” shit. Maybe buying healthy food will quell your urge to have one single, lonely tear roll down your cheek.
1.) Your Dorm Room:
Really try to avoid eating alone here. Yes, no one will be able to see your sad-sack self eating alone in your disgusting Drummond room, but just picturing a college student eating a Lunchables on their tiny, flat university given bed is cringing enough has it is. This is the place where you will most likely check social media and see all of the families looking fly as hell in their kitchen eating some damn fine turkey. Lunchables turkey is just as good though isn’t it?
You still have time to plan where you’re going to go for Thanksgiving. Don’t be that person who goes to one of these places alone. Or rather, go to one of these places and maybe you’ll find a lovely soul mate and you can both wallow in self-pity together. Either way, take this list to heart this season while the turkeys are being prepared.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: