The time is here fellow Cowboys. Bedlam is upon us and that means rejoicing in all of the things Oklahoma State does better than Oklahoma. If we were to write about everything we do better, it would be WAY too long of an article. So, for your viewing pleasure, we shortened it to focus on what things Gundy’s luscious waterfall of silky mullet could do better than Stoops’ dad-esque thing he calls a “haircut.”
5.) Pull Girls:
Picture Willie’s Saloon on a regular Wednesday night. Cut to Gundy’s mullet round house kicking the bar door open, causing all attention to fall on it. The hair slides seamlessly into a bar stool to order a whiskey straight. A dime of a woman has noticed the entrance along with the drink of choice and immediately prances over, overwhelmed by the mullet’s manliness. Stoops’ hair then walks timidly in, making sure not to hit anyone with the door. After that piss-poor entrance, Stoops’ hair orders a Sex on the Beach at the end of the bar, watching the mullet pull harder than the moon pulls tides.
4.) Win in an Old-Fashioned Fisticuffs Match:
A 1-on-1 fisticuffs match is the manliest showdown any adrenaline-lover could ask for. This fight would be like Zeus fighting a Care Bear. Stoops’ hair would show up to the fight in some football pads and a helmet to try to mitigate to pain the mullet would bring. Gundy’s might mullet would attempt a different preparation strategy and snort a line of pre-workout then proceed to blindfold himself to make the fight fair.
3.) Chop Down a Fuckin’ Tree:
What occupation do you conjure up in your head when you think of testosterone-fueled productivity? If you thought of a lumberjack, you’re right! Gundy’s mullet would show up to a moderately-sized forest with nothing but a flannel on and a well-sharpened axe and have a log cabin built within hours. Stoops’ clean-cut hair would drive up in an RV wearing Uggs only to struggle to pick the axe up.
2.) Making Bank
If Capitalist America were to hire human-sized haircuts with life-like qualities, these two styles of hair would have exceedingly different jobs. Stoops’ hair would be a permanent intern-bitch for some low-ball accounting firm. It’s just so easy to picture his nerdy, Andy Griffith hair sitting in a tiny cubicle with way-too-short of a tie on while he crunches numbers all day. In the meantime, Gundy’s mullet would be the stunt double for every badass action movie known to man. What salaries would they acquire, you ask? Let’s just say Gundy’s Mullet could retire at 32.
1.) Anything Related to Alcohol:
College is centered around two distinct things: alcohol and your studies… if you have time for them. During his college days, Stoops and his hair sipped on Redd’s Apple Ale at the tailgates and pitifully lost every shotgun race he was challenged to. Gundy and his mullet on the other hand could still, to this day, crush every human in any alcohol competition possible. On any given game day, you would find the mullet of all mullets Stone Cold Steve Austin-ing two handles of Everclear.
There is a lot OSU can claim to be top dog at, and our successful, proud football coach growing a mane that could be compared to Fabio is just another accolade to add to the wall of achievement. Bedlam is going to be a nail-biting game, but The Black Sheep feel comfort in knowing that our coach is a bona fide bad ass with that mullet while Stoops stays looking like that soccer dad that gets excited to get behind the wheel of a Smart Car.
You went drinking, now you’re stuck pooping. How’s that going for ya?