Our beloved mascot Pistol Pete has a… kind of terrifying, iconic face we all know and love. Except small children. The fact that he was a real person at one point makes him cool. The fact that he set out on a cross-country mission to avenge his father’s death and outshot all of the cavalrymen at Fort Gibson makes him a bona-fide, grade-A bad ass. We know you have thought about how Pistol Pete himself would stack up against the other mascots, so The Black Sheep is here to tell you how the fights would go down.
7.) Iowa State– Cy the Cardinal:
If the character that represents your school looks like the red bird from Angry Birds took steroids, you might have an unintimidating mascot. Pistol Pete would absolutely destroy this Tweety Bird knock-off. With Pete’s two pistols, fighting “Cy” would be like having free target practice.
6.) University of Kansas — Jayhawk:
Oh jeeze, another bird? We didn’t think it was possible… but this one is even goofier looking than “Cy.” We’ve checked all of the databases and there is not one intimidating depiction of this mascot. While the Jayhawk is busy doing the electric slide, Pistol Pete would just come from out of nowhere and John Cena his ass.
5.) West Virginia — Mountaineers:
Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. This opponent would actually be a tough one for Pistol Pete, but if we remember Pete’s history, Pete could outshoot any “mountaineer” with his eyes closed. We could only surmise that this battle would be similar to Luke Skywalker vs. Darth Vader in Empire Strikes Back –– with Pistol Pete being Vader, of course.
4.) Kansas State – Willie the Wildcat:
In a one on one fight to the death, Willie the Wildcat would last about as long as it took Kansas State to make there mascot costume. Seriously, it’s just a giant furry cathead on some random dude. Pete wouldn’t be able to help but laugh at this poor Tom and Jerry impersonator until the little cat would just leave out of embarrassment.
3.) Texas Tech — Red Raider:
“Hey, Rick, who is your favorite Looney Tunes character?” “Yosemite Sam, for sure.” Is probably how the conversation to find Texas Tech’s mascot went down. Let’s assume that since the “Red Raider” is a spitting image of that crazy Looney Tunes character, he probably also has the same temperament. Once the Red Raider realizes Pete’s famous mustache cannot be compared to, he would just get so angry his head would explode; Pete didn’t even have to lift a finger for this one!
2.) Texas Christian University– Horned Frog
Do we even have to go into detail as how this fight would turn out? It’s a fucking frog.
1.) Oklahoma University– Boomer & Sooner
Just like the football games, this matchup would be legendary. The origin of the label “Sooner” was the group of people who jumped the gun and cheated to acquire land in Oklahoma. So… their mascots are horses that cheat? Who knows? Whatever they are, Pistol Pete more than likely dealt with his fair share of animals on his journey. If Boomer and Sooner were lucky, after the fight they would be tamed and domesticated for Pete’s use instead of not leaving the battleground at all.
Pistol Pete would wreck the other Big 12 mascots without a contest. It would take the Big 12, SEC, and ACC combined to stop America’s brightest orange.
It’s homecoming season, so get ready for some old dudes to buy you some beer.