It’s been said for years that the week of Calf Fry might as well be officially titled “OSU’s Spring Shit Show.” A sea of mud-covered boots, girls in short jean shorts, and cases of light beer flood the Tumbleweed at the end of Dead Week. When all is said and done, there are only two real questions left. “Where the hell are we going?” and “How the hell are we getting there?” You may find yourself in some likely, and undoubtedly unlikely, places after Calf Fry that we’ve decided to list for preparatory reasons.
7.) Your Home:
Whatever the reason is for you calling it an early night, you’re a failure in both drinking and life. There’s dudes shot-gunning every hour on the hour, the Fireball runneth over, and rednecks fight over whose dancing with whose girl. If you’re at home because you got too drunk, then you have the drinking abilities of middle schooler stealing from their parent’s liquor cabinet.
To a Poke who’s been tailgating all day and possesses a BAC that’s rendered his intelligence to that of Forrest Gump, Whataburger is a culinary masterpiece created by the Lord God Almighty, himself. It doesn’t matter if the service is so slow from overcrowding that you may pass out in your booth before seeing a single fry. In this state of mind you may not be smart, but you know what love is: when you see your honey butter chicken biscuit on the way.
5.) Fraternity Party House:
You’ll walk in to find those whom fell victim to the pregame passed out with a Natty Light still clutched in their hands. But, the strong whom survive the battlefields of Calf Fry will show their scars in the form of mud from head-to-toe. Although, these veterans could certainly care less, as the alcohol is making convincing argument to continue the rage. The only person not having a good time here is whatever pledge got stuck as DD that week. Maybe next year bud.
The five percent of those who actually knew all the bands at Calf Fry, and might just be a bit country, will surely find themselves itchin’ like a hound for more of that there country. They’ve all decided that a full day of two-steppin’ wasn’t enough, and need a whole night of dancing in squares. Hell, if they could, these people would take their horse home.
3.) The Copper Penny:
These people are in the same category as the people who go to Outlaws. Unlike them Outlaws-goin’ folk, however, they’ve lost the ability to two-step on Outlaws’ dance floor. At this point, most of these people are so drunk they’re just trying to not swallow their dip while they drink a Limey they found.
2) Dirty Curty:
Your inner basic Stillwater needs have taken hold. You crave the ultimate drunk food this little town has to offer. Someone once told us that Dirty Curty should just be in the concert venue. That Shack would end up like the Alamo. It would make a long and valiant run. But the numbers of people drunk off tequila would just out number the fort too greatly.
1.) The Drunk Tank:
You fucked up. While police do go to extra precautions to avoid drunk driving, it’s hard to stand out as “that drunk guy” out of a sea of drunks at Calf Fry. You may not remember what you did, but all you know is you woke up in a cold room full of sketch-balls with more-than-casual alcohol and meth habits…not that any amount of meth is casual. Basically, “I hope I don’t have to take a shit,” is the only thing you’ll think more than explaining this to your folks.
Calf Fry is a shit show with an even shittier ending. But whatever memories aren’t erased by day drinking will be held in the hearts for years to come. Being the last buffer before responsibility takes hold again, exploit Calf Fry and its after-workings as far as your liver permits.